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Dating someone who is Orthodox in name only: cultural Orthodox, practising Orthodox and how to tell the difference

What to do when a date says they are Orthodox but rarely goes to church: cultural versus practising faith, honest questions, and what a church wedding requires.

By Orthodate Editorial16 minute read

You meet someone whose profile says Orthodox. Their name, their grandmother’s recipes and their family’s Pascha basket all say Orthodox too. Then, a few dates in, you learn that they have not been to Liturgy since a cousin’s wedding, have never been to confession and are a little puzzled that you keep the fast. Are they Orthodox? In a sense, yes: they were baptised in the Church, they belong to its culture and they may be proud of it. In another sense, the thing that you are looking for, a shared life of prayer and sacrament, has not yet begun for them. This guide is about that gap. It explains why it is so common, how to describe it fairly without contempt, how to find out where a particular person stands, why it matters for a church marriage, and what honest options you have if you want to keep going.

At a glance

Key takeaways

  • Being baptised, culturally Orthodox and regularly practising are three different things, and a large body of research in Orthodox-majority countries shows that the first two are far more common than the third, so the gap you have found is normal and not a sign of bad character.
  • What matters for a marriage in the Church is not a label but the person’s actual relationship with it: whether they are a baptised communicant, whether they confess and receive Communion, and whether they are willing to prepare for a sacrament that the Church treats as the setting for a shared life of faith.
  • Honest questions asked early, a conversation with a priest and a refusal to either pressure or pretend will tell you more than any amount of waiting, and they leave both of you free to decide with open eyes.

1. Why the gap is so common

Orthodox identity and Orthodox practice have separated before, and the separation is not a new feature of modern dating. In many families, the Church was the carrier of language, food, holidays and belonging long before it was a matter of weekly worship. Under decades of communist rule in much of Eastern Europe, public worship was restricted or dangerous, and families passed on the customs they could. A generation that was raised to cross itself at the funeral and bake kulich at Pascha was not necessarily raised to attend Vespers.

The Pew Research Center’s large survey of Central and Eastern Europe, carried out between 2015 and 2016, describes the result in a phrase: many people in the region might be described as “believing and belonging, without behaving”. Majorities in most of the countries believe in God, and a median of 86 per cent across the eighteen countries surveyed say so, yet a median of only 10 per cent of Orthodox Christians in the region say that they go to church weekly. In Russia, for example, 7 per cent say that they attend weekly and 17 per cent say that they pray daily. At the same time, a median of 70 per cent of those in Orthodox-majority countries say that being Orthodox is important to being truly part of their nation, and 76 per cent of Greeks say it is important to being truly Greek.

These numbers come from countries and not from diaspora parishes, and they describe populations and not individuals, so they should not be used to guess about the person you are dating. What they show is that a person who is proudly Orthodox and rarely in church is not a strange exception. They are a common type, and they have often been shaped by a history that made practice difficult and identity precious. Immigrant communities in the West add another layer, because the parish is frequently an ethnic home as well as a church, and a person may attend the festival every year without ever joining in the Liturgy.

Understanding this helps you avoid two errors. One is to assume that a lack of practice means a lack of sincerity. The other is to assume that identity guarantees the thing you are looking for.

2. A spectrum, not a verdict

It is more useful to think about where a person sits on a spectrum than to put a label on them. The following descriptions are not scientific categories, and a person may move between them. They are a way of describing what you are actually seeing.

  • Heritage Orthodox. Baptised and proud of the background. May keep Pascha and Christmas customs and have an icon in the home. Rarely or never in church, and little or no sacramental life.
  • Occasional Orthodox. Attends at Pascha, Christmas and for weddings and funerals. Knows the basic shape of the services. May light a candle and pray privately, but does not confess or receive Communion regularly.
  • Searching or returning Orthodox. Was raised in the Church or around it and is now coming back, often tentatively. May be reading, attending more and asking questions. The direction of travel matters more than the present position.
  • Practising Orthodox. Attends regularly, confesses, receives Communion, keeps the fasts to a degree that suits their circumstances and has a priest.
  • Devout Orthodox. Builds their week, their finances and their relationships around the life of the Church and the rule given by their spiritual father.

3. How to find out where they actually stand

You can learn a great deal without cross-examining anyone. The aim is to hear how the person describes their own faith, and to notice what they do, not to produce a score.

Start with questions that invite a story. “What was church like when you were growing up?” “Do you have a parish you feel connected to?” “What does being Orthodox mean to you?” These questions allow someone who is shy of the topic to say as much or as little as they wish. Listen for warmth, for resentment, for indifference and for curiosity. A person who says “I stopped going because the priest embarrassed my family, but I miss it” is in a very different place from one who says “It is a cultural thing, I do not really believe it.”

Then watch the practical details. When were they last at Liturgy, and was it by choice? Have they ever been to confession, and what do they remember of it? Do they pray privately? Do they know their own godparent’s name and the date of their baptism? Do they keep any of the fasts, even loosely? Have they a priest to whom they would turn? None of these questions has a right answer. Together they sketch a picture.

Pay attention to how they respond to your practice. Curiosity is a good sign: “What is that icon?” “What does the fast mean to you?” Politeness without interest is neutral. Mockery, impatience or a sense that your faith is a hurdle in the relationship is a significant warning, since it suggests they will not support the thing that matters most to you.

Be wary of a particular pattern in which someone states strongly that they are Orthodox, uses the language of piety, but offers nothing in practice. Talk can be a substitute for substance, and in rare cases it is a way of appearing to be what you want. The guides on spiritual manipulation and on love-bombing describe how to recognise it. Most people who say they are Orthodox and are not very observant are simply honest about where they have been.

4. Why it matters for a church marriage

For some couples, the difference in practice is a matter of preference. For a couple who intend to marry in the Orthodox Church, it has practical consequences, because the Church treats the sacrament of marriage as part of its sacramental life and not as a service available to anyone who asks.

The Orthodox Church in America states that the sacrament of marriage is, by strict teaching and practice, available only to those who belong to the Church, that is, to baptised communicants. It adds that an Orthodox Christian may be married in the Church to a baptised non-Orthodox Christian on the condition that both sincerely work and pray for their full unity in Christ, and that an Orthodox Christian who marries a non-Orthodox Christian must have the sacramental prayers and blessings of the Church in order to remain a participant in Holy Communion. For a person who is Orthodox by baptism but has not been a communicant for years, this means that a priest will generally want to speak with them, ask about their life in the Church and often ask them to prepare by confession and a return to Communion before the wedding.

Different priests and jurisdictions handle this differently. Some are warm and flexible with a person who is sincerely coming back. Others are strict about regular parish membership. Some will ask for catechesis, and many will ask for confession. It is not a moral judgment on the partner. It is the Church’s way of making sure that the sacrament is entered with the understanding that goes with it.

Beyond the wedding itself, the difference will shape the household. How will the children be baptised and raised? Will Sunday be spent in church? Who will teach them to pray? How will you observe the fasts and feasts? What will you do when one of you wants to go to Vigil and the other wants to sleep? These are not hypothetical. They are the ordinary questions of a shared life, and they are much easier to discuss before you are engaged.

5. What honest options you have

Once you know where the person is, you are not obliged to reach a verdict immediately. In practice, relationships of this kind tend to follow one of four paths, and it helps to recognise which one you are on.

The first is that the person is willing, and even glad, to explore the Church more. They may start coming with you to Liturgy, meet your priest, ask for a book or a catechism and gradually find that something they had put aside is still alive. This is the happiest outcome, and it needs patience. The test of sincerity is that the movement is theirs and not yours. A person who comes to church only to please you has not yet decided anything, and a person who is pressed will often resist.

The second is that the person is content to remain where they are, and respects your practice. They are happy to come at Pascha, will not stop you from going to Liturgy and are untroubled by your fasting. This can work for some couples, but only if the practising partner is honest about the cost. Think seriously about what it will mean to go to church alone, to raise children in the faith with a partner who is not involved and to be unable to receive the sacrament of marriage in the way the Church intends.

The third is that the person is uninterested or hostile. They roll their eyes at the fast, discourage your attendance, make jokes about priests or feel threatened by your commitment. This is a serious mismatch, and it is better to see it early. The guide on conflict and compatibility explains why.

The fourth is that the person says the right things and does nothing. Nothing in their life changes, and promises about “starting to go next month” recur. This is the least stable situation because it offers neither an honest difference nor a real movement. Give it a reasonable time, say plainly what you need and watch what happens.

6. What not to do

Dating someone less observant than you creates a temptation to become their teacher, their project or their judge. The following mistakes are common and avoidable.

  • Do not make church attendance a test with a deadline. “If you do not come to Liturgy next Sunday, we are finished” produces compliance, not faith, and it will not survive a hard week.
  • Do not try to save them. Only God converts, and a partner who senses that they are being fixed will, quite reasonably, resent it. Pray for them, invite them and live your own life in the Church with honesty.
  • Do not hide your practice to keep the peace. If you fast, go to confession and keep a prayer rule, say so, and keep doing it. A relationship built on your concealment will fail when the concealment becomes impossible.
  • Do not criticise their family or their upbringing. They may have inherited a version of the faith that was thin, and speaking harshly of it will feel like an attack on their parents.
  • Do not lower your standards to avoid a difficult conversation. Marriage will demand the conversation eventually, and the cost of having it later is greater.
  • Do not give a “conversion for marriage” a veneer. If the person comes to the Church only as a condition of marrying you, take it to a priest and consider the guide to converting for marriage, because the Church wants conviction and not convenience.

7. If you are the one who has drifted

Some readers will recognise themselves on the other side. You were baptised, you are proud of the heritage and you have not been to church in a long time. You are dating someone who takes it seriously, and you wonder what to do.

The most useful thing you can do is to be honest, to yourself and to them. Say where you are, without defensiveness: “I was raised Orthodox, I do not go to church often and I am not sure what I believe, but I respect that this matters to you.” That sentence is a gift. It allows the other person to decide with truth, and it costs far less than a vague agreement that you will “get more involved” later.

If you are curious, take a small step. Go to a service with no obligations. Visit a priest and ask the questions you have never asked. Read something short. The Church has seen many returns, and a priest who meets a returning person is rarely interested in how long they have been away. He is usually interested in what they are looking for.

And if you find that you do not believe it, say that too. It is better for both of you to learn it now. A marriage in the Church, offered by someone who does not want to be in it, will not make either of you happy.

8. Having the conversation

There is a right time and a wrong time to speak about this. The first date is usually too early. Once you have spent a few weeks together and are seriously interested, the topic is overdue.

Choose a calm setting, on a walk or over coffee, and not after an argument. Begin with your own practice, so that the conversation is mutual and not an examination: “Church is a big part of my life, and I want to tell you what that looks like. Can I ask you what it is like for you?” Speak plainly about specifics: how often you go, whether you confess and receive Communion, how you keep the fasts, and what you hope for in a marriage.

Then listen, and avoid answering too quickly. A person who is shy of the topic may need a minute or may need to come back to it another day. Say what you need, without ultimatums, and ask what they can offer. “I need a marriage in the Church and a home where we pray and raise children in the faith. Is that something you want too?” is a clear and fair question.

Do not expect agreement in one sitting. The aim is to open the subject, to make it possible to talk about, and to see how the person responds over time. Return to it. The way a person handles a hard subject, with defensiveness or with honesty, tells you a good deal about what living with them will be like.

Four conversations to have before you decide

The steps below are spread over weeks, not an evening. Each one gives you a clearer picture of where you stand and gives the other person room to respond.

  1. Step 1

    Conversation one: stories, not questions

    Ask about their childhood in the Church, their family’s customs and the last time church felt meaningful. Share your own. Do not judge or correct. You are learning how they relate to the faith emotionally.

  2. Step 2

    Conversation two: practice

    Explain, without pressure, what your regular practice includes and why. Ask what they are comfortable with, what they would like to understand and what they would not want. Notice the tone as much as the content.

  3. Step 3

    Conversation three: the marriage you each hope for

    Discuss weddings, children, Sunday, fasts and the parish. Be concrete: who will be the godparents, where would you marry, how would you raise the children. Where you disagree, say so and do not paper over it.

  4. Step 4

    Conversation four: involve a priest

    If the relationship is serious, suggest that you each speak with a priest, together or separately. Offer it as a resource, not an ultimatum. A priest can say what the Church requires and can often help a partner who is unsure to take a step.

Common questions

Is it a problem if my partner is Orthodox but does not go to church?

It depends on what you want and what they are open to. For a couple hoping to marry in the Orthodox Church, it matters, because the Orthodox Church in America teaches that the sacrament of marriage is for baptised communicants, and a priest will usually want to speak with a partner who has not been practising. Honest conversation and a talk with a priest are better than guessing.

What does “cultural Orthodox” mean?

It describes someone who identifies with Orthodoxy through family, heritage, language and customs, such as keeping Pascha or Christmas traditions, but who may not practise the faith regularly. Many people in Orthodox-majority countries fit the description, and Pew Research Center found that national identity and Orthodox identity are closely linked there even where weekly church attendance is low.

Can we marry in an Orthodox church if my partner has not been to church in years?

Often yes, but it depends on the priest and the jurisdiction. A baptised Orthodox person who has been away will usually be asked to speak with the priest, may be asked to go to confession and return to Communion and might be asked to attend some preparation. Priests are generally willing to help a person who is sincerely returning.

Should I try to bring my partner back to church?

Invite, do not pressure. You can say what the Church means to you and offer to take them to a service or to meet your priest, but the decision has to be theirs. A person who comes only to please you has not yet come, and pressure usually produces resentment.

How do I tell the difference between a person who is drifting and a person who is not interested?

Look at how they respond to your faith and to questions about their own. Curiosity, nostalgia or a sense of missing something suggest openness. Dismissiveness, mockery or irritation at your practice suggest the opposite. Observe over weeks and not in a single conversation.

What if I am the one who is not very practising?

Say so honestly and without defensiveness, and consider taking a small step: attend a service, speak to a priest or read something short. If you find that you do not believe, say that as well. It is better to be truthful early than to enter a church marriage you do not want.

Sources and further reading

Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.