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How to start an Orthodox young adult group in your parish: a practical guide for organisers

A practical guide to starting an Orthodox young adult group: getting your priest’s blessing, finding members, planning events and keeping it going.

By Orthodate Editorial17 minute read

Many Orthodox Christians in their twenties and thirties look around their parish and see few people their age, or none. The older members are kind, the children are many, and the young adults who are there scatter after the Liturgy because there is nothing to hold them. If this is you, there is a quiet option that most people overlook: you can start the group yourself. It does not need a budget, a title or a program from the diocese. It needs a blessing from your priest, five or six willing people and a calendar that you keep. This guide is written for the organiser. It covers how to talk to your priest, how to decide what the group is for, how to find your first members, what to do at the first few meetings, how to keep the group healthy and safe, and what to do when it grows or fades. It assumes no experience, and it is useful whether you want a group for friendship, for faith, for service or, eventually, for meeting a spouse.

At a glance

Key takeaways

  • Begin with your priest’s blessing and a clear, modest purpose, because a young adult group is a parish ministry and works best with the knowledge and support of the person who is responsible for the community.
  • A small, regular, low-cost rhythm, such as one meal or service project a month with a consistent welcome, builds a group more reliably than ambitious events, and it keeps the weight off any one organiser.
  • Setting clear, simple expectations about alcohol, fasting, gossip, dating and respect for the parish protects both the people in the group and the reputation of the ministry.

1. Why start a group at all

The guide to singles events and retreats explains how to find gatherings that already exist. This guide is for the case where there is nothing nearby, or nothing that suits you. That is more common than it sounds. Orthodox parishes in North America and elsewhere are often small, many are served by a single priest with limited time and a young adult group is not always at the top of his list. He is usually glad if someone takes the initiative.

The reasons to do it are practical and spiritual. For the individual, a group is a place where you do not have to explain yourself, where your Lenten schedule is understood and where faith and friendship can be part of the same week. For the parish, young adults are the generation that will carry it forward, and a group keeps them from drifting away in the years after school. For singles, a stable circle of friends is a far better setting for meeting someone than any single event. People who know one another in ordinary circumstances see one another’s character, and a relationship that begins in friendship tends to be sturdier.

The risks are also real. A group can become a clique, a gossip network or a dating market, and an organiser who is careless can find themselves caught in other people’s dramas. Most of those risks are avoidable with a few early decisions, which this guide sets out.

2. Begin with your priest

A parish group is a ministry of the parish, and the priest is responsible for the people in it. Going to him first is not only courtesy. It gives your group legitimacy, a place to meet, a way to be announced and someone to turn to when something goes wrong.

Request a short meeting and come with a clear, modest proposal. Say what you want to do, in a sentence: a monthly gathering for parishioners in their twenties and thirties, with a short prayer, a meal and conversation. Say what you are not asking for: money, a new program or a large share of his time. Ask what he thinks, and what he would like to see or avoid. Priests sometimes have concerns you cannot see, such as previous groups that fizzled, tensions in the community or a policy about use of the hall.

Then ask for the practical things you need. Is there a room, and when is it available? May you announce it from the bulletin or after the Liturgy? Would he, or the deacon, be willing to attend the first meeting and give a blessing? Would he be willing to give a short talk once or twice a year? Is there a rule about alcohol on church property? Does he want to know the names of those who attend?

If your parish is small, or has no young adults, ask whether he knows of others in the area. Many priests know of people in nearby parishes who are in the same position. If your priest is not receptive, do not give up, but do not go around him. A group that begins without the blessing of the person responsible rarely lasts, and it can cause avoidable friction. You might propose a smaller beginning, such as a monthly meal at a member’s home, and return to the question in a year.

3. Decide what the group is for

You will save yourself a great deal of trouble by deciding the purpose before the first meeting. The question to answer is simple: why would a busy person come?

The strongest groups have a purpose that can be stated in one sentence and that does not depend on anyone being single. “A place for young adults at St. Nicholas to pray, eat and get to know one another” is a good example. It is inclusive, it is concrete and it does not promise anything it cannot deliver. A group billed as “Orthodox singles” will limit itself to a smaller audience, will make attendance feel like an announcement about your status and will attract people looking for a partner more than a community.

Decide the age range, and decide it generously but honestly. A band such as 18 to 35 or 21 to 40 is common, and it is best to say at the outset whether married young adults are welcome. In most cases, they should be. Married couples are the group’s best advertisement for the Church’s view of marriage, and they bring stability, hospitality and wisdom. They also keep the gatherings from feeling like a singles mixer, which makes many people more comfortable.

Decide what you are not. You are not a dating service. You are not a substitute for the parish’s regular worship. You are not a place to promote one jurisdiction against another. Saying so briefly in your announcement saves misunderstandings later.

Be realistic about size. Five or six people who come reliably are a success. Do not measure your group against a thriving campus fellowship or a big-city young professionals’ group. A group that is small and warm usually grows, and one that starts large and cold usually shrinks.

4. Finding your first five people

Most groups begin with the organiser and one or two friends, and they grow by invitation. It is more effective to invite individuals than to post a general notice and wait.

Start with people you already know in the parish and in your wider Orthodox circle: the person who sings in the choir, the new couple who sit at the back, the young man who helps with the sound system, the graduate student who comes to Vespers. Ask them directly and personally: “I am starting a monthly dinner for people in their twenties and thirties at church. Would you come to the first one?” A personal invitation is accepted far more often than an announcement.

Ask each of them to bring someone. Young adults often have friends who are Orthodox and who do not go to any parish at the moment, or who go to a different one. The first few gatherings are most likely to flourish if they include a few people from outside, since that signals that the group is open.

Use the parish’s channels well. A short bulletin notice, an announcement after the Liturgy by the priest and a simple message in the parish group are usually enough. Put the date, time, place and one line about what to expect: “Dinner and conversation, vegetarian, all welcome.”

Look beyond your parish. Neighbouring parishes of any canonical Orthodox jurisdiction often have the same difficulty, and young adults commonly travel for good fellowship. If your priest agrees, a combined evening with the nearest parish can double your numbers without extra work. College students can be reached through an Orthodox Christian Fellowship chapter, which exists to bring Orthodox students together on campus, and a graduate who has just left a chapter is often hungry for the same thing in the parish. The Assembly of Canonical Orthodox Bishops and the OCA both publish parish directories, which are useful for finding neighbouring parishes.

5. Planning the first gathering

The first meeting sets the tone, and it should be easy to attend, easy to enjoy and easy to repeat. Aim for something simple.

A good model is a meal with a short prayer. Hold it after the Liturgy in the parish hall, or on a weekday evening in a member’s home or a church room. Begin with a brief prayer, perhaps the Trisagion or a familiar blessing of the food, and have the priest or deacon lead it if they are present. Then eat. Meals are the oldest form of Christian fellowship, and they give everyone something to do with their hands.

Plan the food around the Church’s calendar. If the meeting falls on a fasting day or in a fasting season, serve fasting food, which is generally easy and often delicious, and say so on the invitation. Doing so tells people that this is an Orthodox gathering and not a generic social event. The Orthodox Church in America publishes an outline of the fasting seasons and fast days that you can check. Be considerate of those with allergies and dietary needs, and of those who are not able to keep the fast strictly.

Have one simple thing to talk about. Open conversation works better when it has a prompt. You might ask each person to say their name, how long they have been at the parish and one thing from the past month that they are grateful for. Keep it light, short and optional. Resist the temptation to run the evening like a program.

Finish on time and ask for feedback. Close with a simple announcement of the next date, and ask people casually what they liked. Then, within the week, send a short message to everyone who came, thanking them and repeating the next date.

6. A rhythm that lasts: ideas for the year

Consistency is more important than variety. A group that meets on the same day each month, such as the second Saturday, is easy to remember and easy to plan around. Once the rhythm is set, you can vary what you do. The following are ideas that work well in different parishes.

  • A monthly meal. Rotating hosts, a shared table, a simple menu. This is the backbone of most groups.
  • Vespers or Akathist followed by dinner. Combining worship and fellowship reminds people why they are together.
  • A Scripture or book study. A short, informal reading of the Gospel for the coming Sunday, or a slow reading of a short book by a Father, with a priest or a mature member as a guide. Keep it to an hour.
  • A service project. Cooking for a shelter, cleaning the church, visiting elderly parishioners or helping with the festival. Working together builds trust quickly.
  • An outing. A hike, a day at an orchard, a visit to a monastery or a pilgrimage to a nearby shrine. The guide to pilgrimage sites lists places to consider.
  • A feast or name-day gathering. Mark a patron saint’s day, Pascha, a parish feast or the end of the Nativity fast with a meal.
  • A newcomers’ night. A deliberately welcoming evening, once or twice a year, for people who have recently moved or are new to the parish.
  • A speaker. Once or twice a year, ask the priest, a seminarian, a married couple or a counsellor to speak on a subject of interest, such as prayer, vocations, marriage preparation or work and faith.

7. Ground rules that protect everyone

A group of people in their twenties and thirties, many of them single and some of them looking for a spouse, needs a few clear understandings. They should be stated lightly and early, and enforced kindly.

  • Respect the parish. Follow the priest’s guidance on the use of the hall, alcohol and the content of any teaching. If a topic is beyond the group’s competence, send it to him.
  • Alcohol. Many parishes allow moderate wine at meals, and some do not allow any on church property. Decide with your priest, and keep gatherings centred on food and conversation. A group that becomes known for drinking is likely to lose some of the members it most wants.
  • No gossip. State plainly that what is said about relationships, struggles or family does not leave the room. This is more important than it looks, since small communities are close and talk travels fast.
  • No pressure around dating. People should not feel scrutinised or matched. Someone who asks another for coffee is doing nothing wrong, and a person who says no is doing nothing wrong either. If a romance ends, both people remain welcome.
  • Include everyone. Welcome converts, people with disabilities, people of other ethnic backgrounds, widowed and divorced members, and those who are not confident socially. The guide to meeting people if you are shy has suggestions that apply to organisers too.
  • Keep the setting safe. Hold gatherings in public or parish spaces or in homes where several people will be present, and follow any safeguarding policy that your diocese or jurisdiction has in place. If anyone is under 18, follow the parish’s youth safeguarding policy strictly.
  • Be fasting-aware but not self-righteous. Observe the fasts as a group at gatherings, and avoid commenting on what individuals eat.

8. Staying in touch without creating noise

A group chat is the easiest way to coordinate, and it can also become tiresome. A few conventions keep it useful.

Keep one channel for announcements and logistics, and keep it short. Post the date and time, a reminder two days before and a thank-you afterwards. If members want to chat, they can do so in a separate, optional thread.

Use a simple calendar. A shared calendar that people can add to their phone saves repeated messages. Post the whole season’s dates in advance, so that people can plan around them.

Ask people to say whether they are coming. A quick “yes”, “no” or “maybe” helps with food and numbers, and it makes small groups feel more committed. Do not pester those who do not reply.

Keep private matters out of the chat. Prayer requests are appropriate where the person has asked for them to be shared, but personal news should be shared by the person concerned.

Make joining and leaving easy. Anyone should be able to leave the chat without comment, and newcomers should be added with their consent.

9. Keeping the group healthy over time

Most young adult groups do not fail because of a crisis. They fade because one person carried everything and became tired, or because the novelty wore off and nobody replaced it. A few habits help.

Share the work early. After the first two or three meetings, ask people to take small, specific jobs: host once, bring dessert, lead the prayer, organise the next service project. People often want to help and do not know how. A rota of hosts means that no one person is always responsible.

Rotate leadership. Choose two or three people to act as a small committee, and agree that the role passes on after a year. This protects against burnout and also stops the group from becoming one person’s project.

Expect slumps and treat them as normal. Attendance often drops in summer, in Great Lent when people are busy and during the exam seasons. Continue to meet at a smaller scale, and do not read a low month as failure.

Welcome the newcomer, every time. The commonest reason a group stops growing is that regulars have become comfortable and do not notice the person standing alone. Appoint a person at each gathering to greet newcomers and to introduce them.

Review once a year. Ask what is working, what to drop and what to add. Check with the priest, too, because his view of the parish’s needs may have changed.

Know when to let it end or change. If the group has served its purpose, or the members have moved on, it is not a failure to wind it down or to merge with another. Many groups pass through phases.

10. When people start dating each other

It will happen, and it is one of the good outcomes. A few principles make it go well for everyone.

Do not engineer it. Matchmaking, however well meant, creates pressure. If a friendship grows into something more, let it do so at its own pace. The advice on dating within the same parish applies to the group as a whole.

Keep it private until the couple wish otherwise. Announcing a relationship before the couple do is a breach of trust.

Let a breakup be an ordinary event. The couple should be able to remain in the group, and the others should avoid taking sides. A group that handles breakups gracefully is a safe place for the next couple to try.

Offer support. If a couple become serious, the group can give them what the Church hopes the community will give: friendship, prayer, hospitality and, when the time comes, joyful participation in the wedding.

A first ninety days

The plan below takes you from an idea to a group that has met at least three times. It is modest on purpose, and it can be adapted to a small or a large parish.

  1. Step 1

    Weeks one and two: see your priest

    Ask for a short meeting, bring a one-sentence proposal and ask for his blessing, a room, a date for the first meeting and a way to announce it. Ask what he would like to avoid, and write down his answers.

  2. Step 2

    Weeks two to four: invite five people by name

    List the young adults you know in and around the parish and ask five of them personally. Ask each to bring one friend. Put the first date in everyone’s calendar at least three weeks ahead.

  3. Step 3

    Week five: hold a simple first gathering

    A meal with a short prayer, a light prompt for conversation and a firm end time. Take a few notes about what people enjoyed, and thank everyone personally within the week.

  4. Step 4

    Weeks six to nine: set the rhythm and share the jobs

    Announce the dates for the next quarter. Ask two or three people to host or help. Try one different format, such as Vespers and dinner or a service project, and see how it goes.

  5. Step 5

    Weeks ten to thirteen: review with the priest

    Tell him how the group is going, ask for his counsel and propose one addition for the next season. Invite a newcomer from another parish and ask the group what they would like to do next.

Common questions

Do I need my priest’s permission to start an Orthodox young adult group?

You do not need an official program, but you should have the priest’s blessing, because a parish group is a ministry of the parish and he is responsible for the people in it. Go to him first, say plainly what you would like to do and ask for his guidance. Groups that begin without his support seldom last.

How many people do I need to start?

Five or six people who attend regularly are enough. Many successful groups begin with two or three friends and grow by personal invitation. It is better to have a small group that meets reliably than a large one that meets once.

Should the group be for singles only?

Usually not. A group for young adults that welcomes married couples is more inclusive, less pressured and more attractive to people who do not want to feel labelled. Married couples also model what the Church hopes for, and they offer stability and hospitality. Some groups run a separate occasional event for singles, but the core group works best when it is open.

What should we do at meetings?

Begin with a short prayer, share a simple meal planned around the Church’s fasting calendar and have an easy prompt for conversation. Over the year, add variety with a Vespers and dinner, a Scripture reading, a service project, an outing and feast-day gatherings. Keep it regular and low-cost.

How do we avoid the group turning into a dating scene?

State the purpose as friendship, faith and service, welcome married members and agree a few norms: no gossip, no pressure, no matchmaking and a respectful handling of breakups. People who meet as friends over a year often form the strongest relationships, and they do so without feeling that they are being assessed.

What if there are no other young adults in my parish?

Look to neighbouring parishes and to the wider Orthodox community. A joint gathering with another parish, with both priests’ blessing, can bring enough people together to start. Campus Orthodox Christian Fellowship chapters, diocesan ministries and online connections can also help. Meanwhile, a monthly meal with two or three friends is a legitimate beginning.

Sources and further reading

Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.