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Smoking, tattoos, gaming and other everyday habits in Orthodox dating: what matters and what does not

What the Church says about smoking, vaping, tattoos, cannabis and screens, and how to tell a harmless quirk from a habit that shapes a marriage.

By Orthodate Editorial19 minute read

The questions people ask before a first date are mostly large ones: is this person serious about the faith, do they want children, are they honest. The things that make a marriage easy or hard once it has begun are often smaller and more physical. Does one of you smoke. Is there a tattoo that a grandmother will notice at the wedding. Is one of you on the screen until two in the morning while the other rises for Matins. Does anyone put the knife in the sink. These are not trivial, because they are made of repetition, and a marriage is made of repetition. They are also easy to over-spiritualise or to dismiss, and both mistakes do harm. This guide goes through the habits that most often come up, says plainly what the Church’s tradition does and does not teach about each, and offers a way of telling a quirk from a conviction from a problem. It also says how to raise any of them without making it a trial.

At a glance

Key takeaways

  • Distinguish three things when a habit worries you: what the Church actually teaches, what your own conscience and health tell you, and what is simple preference, and be honest with your partner about which one you are speaking from.
  • Habits that bind the will, such as tobacco, vaping, recreational drugs, compulsive gaming or screen use, are a more serious concern than habits of appearance, and the sign to watch is not the habit itself but whether the person can stop it when they wish.
  • The way a person talks about their own habits, honestly and without defensiveness, tells you more about the marriage than the habit does, so raise concerns once, specifically and kindly, and watch what happens.

1. Why habits matter more than they look

The Orthodox tradition has a particular word for the work of Christian life, which is askesis, from a Greek word that means training. The idea is that holiness is not a feeling but a discipline, built up slowly through repeated small acts, and that a habit is a rehearsal of the person we are becoming. A tradition that thinks in this way pays close attention to what people do every day, because it is in the daily that character is made.

That is a useful lens for a couple as well. Over a marriage, the dramatic events, the births, the illnesses and the moves, are far fewer than the ordinary days. What you do at seven in the morning, what you reach for when you are tired, how you spend the hour after supper, and what you do without noticing are the real texture of the shared life. A habit that is minor in a first meeting becomes major when it is repeated five thousand times.

It is also worth remembering that habits are not all of one kind. Some are matters of conscience, such as an addiction or a practice the Church has clearly condemned. Some are matters of health. Some are matters of consideration, because they affect another person in the house. And some are only matters of taste. Most of the confusion in this area comes from treating a taste as a principle, or a principle as a taste.

2. Smoking and vaping

Tobacco reached Europe only in the sixteenth century, and the canons of the ancient Church, naturally, say nothing about it. There is no council or Father that speaks to a cigarette. What exists instead is a body of pastoral advice, and it is not uniform. Many spiritual fathers discourage smoking, and some of the ascetic writers of recent centuries treat it as a passion that binds the will and distracts from prayer. Others regard it as a weakness to be struggled with and not a sin that excludes anyone. In practice, a good many Orthodox Christians, including some clergy, smoke, and a good many parishes have a corner outside where they do it.

The reasons for taking it seriously are more practical than canonical. The first is health. The World Health Organization treats tobacco use as one of the leading preventable causes of death, and the Food and Drug Administration warns that nicotine in e-cigarettes is addictive and can harm the developing brain. Neither is an Orthodox source, and neither needs to be. The apostle’s teaching that the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19) gives the believer a reason to take health seriously, without making every unhealthy habit a mortal sin.

The second reason is dependence. A habit that a person cannot stop when they want to is the kind of thing the ascetic tradition describes as a passion, and the ability to stop is a good test. Ask yourself, or your partner, whether it is something they smoke or something they need. A person who has tried to quit and is honest about the difficulty is in a very different position from one who says there is no problem.

The third is the household. Smoke affects furnishings, clothes, children and visitors, and it affects the person who does not smoke. A couple who intend to have children need to decide in advance whether anyone will smoke in the home, near the children, or in the car. It is also worth thinking about the cost, which over a year is not small.

Whether it is a deal-breaker is up to you, and a reasonable person can answer either way. What is not reasonable is to enter a marriage hoping that the other will stop, without any evidence that they intend to. If you are the one who smokes, be honest early, do not hide it and do not promise what you cannot deliver. If you want to quit, the federal smokefree.gov site offers free, practical help, and your doctor can discuss the options, which now include medication.

3. Cannabis and other substances

Alcohol has its own guide, because the Church’s relationship with wine is long and specific. Cannabis and other recreational drugs have no such history, and the question is a more recent one for Orthodox families in places where they have become legal or common.

The tradition’s concern is sobriety and freedom. The Greek word for watchfulness, nepsis, is also the word for being sober, and the whole ascetic tradition is oriented towards a clear mind and an undivided attention. Substances whose purpose is to alter that state sit awkwardly with it, and most priests will advise against recreational use. A person who is prescribed a medicine by a doctor for a medical reason is in a quite different position, and the Church has never opposed medical care. The National Institute on Drug Abuse describes cannabis as a drug that can impair judgment and memory and, for some users, lead to dependence, and that is a reasonable thing to keep in mind.

If the person you are seeing uses cannabis or another substance, the questions are the same as for tobacco and alcohol. How often. In what setting. Can they stop. Does it affect their work, their relationships or their prayer. Are they honest about it. And does it conflict with the life you want, which, if you intend a household with children and a regular practice of the faith, it very probably does. Use of illegal substances, or any pattern of dependence, is a tier-one concern in the language of the standards guide, and a priest or a counsellor can help.

If you are struggling yourself, tell someone. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration runs a free, confidential national helpline, 1-800-662-4357, which operates every day of the year, and the findtreatment.gov site lists services near you. Seeking help is consistent with the Church’s teaching on repentance and is not a barrier to receiving the sacraments.

4. Tattoos and piercings

This is the habit about which Orthodox Christians most often ask what the Church teaches, and the honest answer is that it depends on whom you ask. There is no single binding rule comparable to the Church’s teaching on drunkenness, and priests, monks and bishops differ in how strongly they discourage tattoos.

The text that is usually cited is Leviticus 19:28, in which the Israelites are told not to make cuttings in their flesh for the dead or to put marks on themselves. The context is the mourning customs and religious marking of neighbouring peoples, and the question that Orthodox readers ask is whether it applies to decorative tattoos today. Some read it as a general prohibition and some as a ban on pagan practice, and the tradition has not resolved it by a council. A second line of thought is the body as a temple, which leads some to treat tattooing as a disfigurement and others to see it as a form of ordinary self-expression, neither more nor less serious than other choices about appearance.

What most priests do agree on is that a tattoo does not prevent a person from being baptised, receiving communion, being married or serving in the Church. Many converts and many cradle Orthodox Christians have them. The cases that attract most disapproval are tattoos of holy images, such as the face of Christ, an icon or a saint, since it is felt that a sacred image should not be placed where it can be exposed or defaced, and tattoos whose content is plainly at odds with the faith.

A practical way through is to treat it as a question of conscience and of consideration. If you already have a tattoo, you owe nobody an apology, but you may be asked about it, and it is fair to explain it plainly and honestly. If you are thinking of getting one, speak to your priest first, and consider whether you would be comfortable with it in thirty years and in a church at a wedding. If your partner has one that you dislike, ask yourself whether the objection is moral or aesthetic. If the answer is aesthetic, it is a tier-four preference.

Families may react differently from the Church. A grandmother in a traditional household may have strong views, and it is worth asking how much it matters to the family you will be marrying into. Piercings follow the same logic. Ordinary ear piercings are unremarkable in most parishes, and more extensive ones are a matter of local culture and the preference of the priest.

5. Screens, social media and gaming

Few habits are as quietly corrosive in a marriage as unexamined screen use, and few are as hard to see in a first month of dating, since a person’s phone habits are most visible when you are living with them. It is worth asking about them in the way one asks about any other habit, and to think about your own at the same time.

The Orthodox tradition gives a surprisingly good vocabulary for it. Attention, in the writings of the desert fathers and the later ascetic tradition, is the central struggle: the mind is easily carried off by images and thoughts, and the work of prayer is bringing it back. A device built to take attention away is a modern instance of the old difficulty, and the remedies are also old. Set times, a place for the phone away from the bedroom, a rule of prayer that comes before the first scroll of the morning, and an agreement to be present at meals.

Gaming is a good example of the fact that a habit is not good or bad in itself. An hour of a game together can be a pleasure, and a game enjoyed in moderation is no worse than any other recreation. The question is proportion and priority. If a person plays for four hours a night, misses the Liturgy because of it, or gets angry when interrupted, the game has begun to rule them. The same applies to sport, television, social media and shopping.

There are four questions that are worth asking, about yourself first. Does it crowd out prayer, work, sleep or people. Can you stop when you decide to. Do you hide how much you do it. And would you be content for your spouse and children to see it. If the answer to the last two is no, take it to your confessor, who has heard it before.

It is also worth deciding what your shared life will look like. Many couples find a few simple agreements go a long way: no phones at the table, none in the first and last half hour of the day, and one evening a week without a screen. They need not be rules. They are a way of saying that each of you is worth more than the feed.

6. Fitness, food, appearance and health

The Church holds the body in high honour, since the Word became flesh and the body is raised at the last day. It does not hold that care for the body is vanity. Taking exercise, eating well and looking after your health are ordinary duties of stewardship, and a person who neglects them entirely may be neglecting those who depend on them. A couple will also care for each other through illness and age, and it matters whether each has made some effort to be well.

There is a counterweight, which is that appearance and fitness can become an idol of their own. An obsession with the gym, a body that must be shown constantly or a contempt for those who are not athletic is a vanity that the tradition regards with suspicion. The question is again one of proportion, and whether it serves a life or takes the place of one.

One topic needs particular care, which is the relationship between fasting and eating disorders. The Church’s fasting rules are a discipline for most people and a danger for some. A person with an eating disorder, or a history of one, should not undertake a strict fast without medical advice, and the Church’s own guidance is that the rules are adjusted for those who are ill. The National Institute of Mental Health describes eating disorders as serious, treatable medical illnesses. If you are dating someone who becomes anxious or secretive around food, or who uses fasting to cover restriction, speak to them gently, and encourage them to see a doctor and tell their priest.

On appearance more generally, the useful question is whether a person dresses and presents themselves with respect for themselves, others and the setting. A person who takes care without display, and who is comfortable in a church and out of it, has the balance that most families want.

7. The rhythm of the day: sleep, work and Sunday

A great many marriages are more affected by the clock than by anything on a list of sins. Early risers and night owls marry each other and wonder why every weekend is a negotiation. In an Orthodox household, where the Liturgy is on Sunday morning and the great feasts and the weekday services fall at all hours, the difference has a spiritual edge.

It helps to talk about it plainly. When does each of you go to bed and get up. How early does Sunday start in the parish you will attend. Is one of you coming off a night shift, or on call, or required to work weekends. Work in a hospital, a restaurant, a police force or a transport network often means missing the Liturgy, and a couple should decide in advance what they will do about it, including speaking to a priest, who can often suggest ways to take part in the life of the Church that fit the schedule.

Ambition is a related matter. A partner who works eighty hours a week and sees it as a virtue may find that the marriage needs more of them than they have. A partner who is content with very little work may not be sharing the load. These are habits of work, and they are very hard to change after marriage. They are also easier to notice if you ask about a typical week, not about career goals.

And there is the matter of punctuality, which in some Orthodox cultures is relaxed to a degree that a person from another background finds baffling. Service times are often kept more loosely than the clock suggests, and a couple from different backgrounds may find themselves arriving at very different times to the same Liturgy. It is a small thing, and a source of frequent friction.

8. Tidiness, pets and the small frictions of a shared home

Most couples who report that their marriage has been difficult in the first year point to small things. A different idea of what clean means. A dishwasher loaded in a way that offends one of them. A dog on the bed, or a refusal to have an animal in the house. A different tolerance for noise, or guests, or being alone. These are not moral failings, and they are not trivial.

The best preparation is to look at how the other person lives now. The state of their car, their kitchen and their diary, and how they talk about their previous flatmates, will tell you more than a list of preferences. It is also worth noticing how they respond when you do something differently in their space. A person who is gracious about a small inconvenience is showing you something about the next fifty years.

Pets deserve their own conversation. For some people an animal is a member of the family, and for others it is a source of allergy, expense or anxiety. If one of you has a pet and the other does not like animals, it is a real difference, and it is much better discussed before the wedding than after the cat has moved in.

9. How to raise a concern about a habit

Most of us handle this badly, either by saying nothing and resenting it, or by saying too much at once. A better approach is simple.

  • Choose a calm time. Not in the middle of the habit, not in front of others, and not when either of you is tired or angry.
  • Be specific and brief. “I noticed you checked your phone through the whole of dinner on Friday, and I felt a bit lonely” is far better than “You are always on that thing.”
  • Say why it matters to you. People respond to what a habit costs another person more than to a rule.
  • Ask a question, and listen. “How do you feel about it?” may reveal that they are worried too, or that there is a reason you had not understood.
  • Say it once. Repeating a concern is nagging, and it hardens the other person. Wait to see what they do, and decide on the evidence.
  • Distinguish the habit from the person. “I am concerned about the smoking” is a different sentence from “I am concerned about you,” and both can be true.
  • Accept the same treatment. If you are asking someone to look at a habit, be ready to have yours looked at too. A relationship in which only one person is being assessed is not a partnership.

10. When a habit is a sign of something else

Many habits are only habits, but some are signals. Smoking that is increasing, drinking that is secret, hours online that are hidden, sudden spending and an inability to stop a behaviour that the person says they want to stop are all signs that something deeper may be going on, such as stress, loneliness, depression, trauma or addiction. The right response is not to diagnose, and not to accept it as just who they are, but to ask with care and to encourage help.

It also matters how a person reacts when asked. Someone who says, “You are right, it is worse than it used to be, and I am trying,” is in a much better position than someone who denies, attacks or withdraws. The first is on the way to being helped. The second is probably not yet, and you cannot do it for them.

You are not responsible for fixing another person, and you should not marry in the hope of it. If you see a pattern that worries you and the person is not willing to look at it, that is information. A priest or a counsellor can help you decide what to do, and if you are afraid for your safety at any point, the guide on leaving an abusive relationship gives the practical steps.

A habits conversation to have in the first few months

Do this over a walk or a meal rather than as a formal sit-down, and begin with yourself. The goal is a picture of two real ordinary lives, not a verdict.

  1. Step 1

    Describe your own ordinary day

    Tell the other person what your weekday really looks like, including when you wake up, what you do with your evenings, how much screen time you have and what you reach for when you are tired. Start with yourself, and be honest.

  2. Step 2

    Ask about theirs, with curiosity

    Ask what a typical Saturday looks like, how they wind down at the end of a hard week, and whether there is a habit they are trying to change. Do not interrogate, and notice whether they are relaxed or defensive.

  3. Step 3

    Name the two that matter most to you

    Pick the one or two habits that would genuinely affect your shared life, such as smoking, screen use or work hours, and say what each means to you and why. Keep the rest in proportion, and do not offer a list of complaints.

  4. Step 4

    Check each against the three questions

    For any habit that concerns you, ask whether it is something the Church teaches, a matter of health and conscience, or simply preference. Then decide honestly which it is, and whether it is something you could live with for fifty years.

  5. Step 5

    Agree what happens next, and revisit

    If a habit needs changing, agree on something small and concrete, and talk about how it is going in a month. If the person is not willing to look at it, and it matters to you, take that seriously. If it is minor, let it go and do not bring it up again.

Common questions

Is smoking a sin in the Orthodox Church?

There is no canon that addresses it, since tobacco was unknown to the early Church, and priests differ. Many spiritual fathers discourage smoking as a habit that binds the will and harms the body, and a number of Orthodox Christians smoke and struggle with it. The honest position is that it is a serious health and discipline question and not a matter that excludes anyone from the Church.

Do Orthodox Christians get tattoos?

Some do, and many converts arrive with them. The Church has no single binding rule, and views among clergy differ. A tattoo does not prevent baptism, communion or marriage in the Church. Tattoos of holy images, such as icons or the face of Christ, attract the most objection. If you are considering one, speak to your priest first.

Should I date someone who smokes or vapes?

It depends on what matters to you and on the person. The questions to ask are whether they can stop when they wish, whether they are honest about it, and what you would do about the home and any children. Do not enter a marriage hoping they will change without evidence that they intend to.

Is cannabis acceptable for an Orthodox Christian?

Most priests advise against recreational use, because the tradition values sobriety and a clear mind, and the drug can impair judgment and lead to dependence. Medical use under a doctor’s supervision is a different matter, and the Church has never opposed medical care. If you are unsure, ask your priest.

How much screen time or gaming is too much?

There is no number. The questions are whether it crowds out prayer, sleep, work or people, whether you can stop when you decide to, and whether you hide how much you do it. If the answer to any of these is yes, take it to your confessor and consider agreeing some limits together.

Can I keep the fasts if I have a history of an eating disorder?

Not without medical advice. The Church’s fasting rules are adjusted for those who are ill, and a strict fast can be dangerous for a person who is recovering from an eating disorder. Talk to your doctor and your priest, and keep to a plan that supports your health.

How do I tell my partner a habit bothers me without starting a fight?

Choose a calm moment, be specific and brief, say why it matters to you, and ask a question rather than issuing a verdict. Say it once and watch what they do. Be ready to hear a concern about your own habits, since a relationship in which only one person is assessed is not a partnership.

Sources and further reading

Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.