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Language and culture in bilingual Orthodox couples: services, home, children and in-laws

How Orthodox couples from different cultures can choose a parish, raise children in two languages, handle in-laws and keep both heritages.

By Orthodate Editorial18 minute read

A good many Orthodox marriages join two cultures, and sometimes two languages, as a matter of course. A Greek-American and a Romanian. A Lebanese Antiochian and a convert from Texas. A woman raised in Belgrade who now lives in Chicago and a man whose family has been Orthodox in Pittsburgh for four generations and has not spoken Slovak since his grandmother died. The Church makes these marriages possible, because it is one body in many languages, and it has made a point from its earliest centuries of praying in the tongue the people actually speak. It does not make them automatically easy. Language runs through a marriage on at least four levels: the language of the service, the language of the home, the language of the two families, and the language the couple use when they are tired or angry. This guide goes through each in turn, says what is worth deciding before the wedding and what can wait, and offers a way of keeping two inheritances without turning the household into a contest between them.

At a glance

Key takeaways

  • Settle the practical questions early and separately: which parish and which liturgical language you will attend, which language the household speaks, and how you will handle each family, since a decision made for one of these does not settle the others.
  • The Orthodox tradition has a missionary habit of praying in the language of the people, so a parish that uses English, or both English and a heritage language, is not a compromise of the faith but a continuation of it.
  • Learning the other person’s language, even badly, is one of the most reliable gifts in a bilingual marriage, because it tells your spouse and their family that you want to belong and not merely to be tolerated.

1. Four languages in one marriage

It helps to separate the layers, because couples often argue about one while meaning another. The first is the liturgical language, the one in which the Divine Liturgy is served in the parish you attend. In the United States it may be English, Greek, Church Slavonic, Arabic, Romanian, Georgian, Ukrainian, Serbian, or a mixture of two or more. The second is the home language, which is what the household speaks over dinner and what children hear from their parents. The third is the family language, which is the language each set of in-laws speaks and expects. The fourth is the emotional language, which is the one a person falls back on when they are exhausted, frightened or very angry, and it is usually the first one they learned.

These are separate decisions, and they are easier when kept separate. A couple who attend an English-language parish may speak Romanian at home and Greek with the grandparents. Another couple may attend a Greek-language service and speak English at home. There is no single right answer, and the right answer for a couple in their twenties, before children, is often different from the right answer ten years later.

The Census Bureau’s language-use data show that a large and growing share of American households use a language other than English at home, so these are not unusual questions. Orthodox couples face a particular version of them, because language is tied to worship, to the family’s sense of what it means to be faithful, and, in many immigrant families, to the memory of what was brought across an ocean. That gives them emotional weight, and it is wise to treat it with respect.

2. The language of the service: what the tradition says

Orthodox Christianity has always prayed in many languages, and the habit has a missionary history. In the ninth century the brothers Cyril and Methodius, sent to the Slavic peoples, invented an alphabet and translated the Scriptures and the services into the language the Slavs spoke, in the face of those who held that worship should be conducted only in Greek, Latin or Hebrew. In the nineteenth century, Saint Nicholas of Japan translated the services into Japanese, and Saint Innocent of Alaska worked with the Aleut and Tlingit peoples to the same end. The pattern is consistent. The Church comes to a people and prays in their language.

That history helps with a modern question, which is whether it is right to use English. In the United States, where the great immigrant jurisdictions were founded to serve particular communities, the question has been argued for a century. Many parishes now serve entirely in English, many are bilingual, and many keep the older language for part of the service, often for the hymns or for a particular liturgy. The tradition does not give a single answer, and the Church has accepted all of these. The practical question for a couple is which arrangement will let both of them pray.

It is also worth remembering that liturgical languages are not always understood even by those who grew up with them. A Greek Orthodox Christian may have heard Koine and Byzantine Greek hymnody for forty years without being able to follow it in detail, and a Slavic Orthodox Christian often hears Church Slavonic, which is related to the modern languages but is no longer spoken. A translation in the hand or a few words of explanation before the service often helps everyone, including the cradle Orthodox.

3. Choosing a parish when you do not share a language

The decision about which parish to attend is the one that most affects the shape of a bilingual marriage, because it will be repeated every Sunday for years. A few principles help.

  • Put prayer first. The test is not which parish is more authentic but where each of you can pray, hear the Gospel and receive communion with understanding. A service that one partner cannot follow at all, week after week, is a real cost, and it is not a trivial matter to dismiss.
  • Consider an English-language parish as a common ground. It is not neutral, since it will have its own culture, but it does not privilege either partner’s language, and it gives the children a way into the faith that they can understand.
  • Look for a bilingual parish. Many have services in two languages, with the Gospel read in both, or with the Liturgy in English and one section of the service in the heritage language. A couple whose first languages are different will often find that this is the best compromise.
  • Attend both. Some couples alternate: one parish on most Sundays, the other on the feasts and the name days of the family. This works well if the two parishes are in communion and the priests know and approve.
  • Ask the priest. Orthodox priests are used to this question and have usually seen couples solve it in several ways. A conversation before the wedding is more useful than one afterwards, and the priest who is to marry you will often know the other parishes in the area.
  • Do not use the parish as a way of settling an argument. If one of you feels that the other has chosen the church to win a point about culture, it will cost more than the service is worth.

4. Following a service in a language you do not know

If you are the partner who does not understand the language of the parish, there is much that can be done to make Liturgy meaningful and not merely endured. The service has a very stable shape, and once you know it, you can follow it without understanding the words.

Obtain a bilingual service book, or an English text from your jurisdiction, and read the Gospel and Epistle of the day beforehand. The Orthodox Church in America publishes the daily readings, and a partner who knows what will be read is much more likely to feel part of it. Learn the structure: the litanies, the Entrance, the readings, the Creed, the Eucharistic prayer, the Our Father and communion. Learn the response to the litany in the language of the parish. Greek has Kyrie eleison, Church Slavonic has Gospodi pomilui, and Romanian has Doamne, miluiește. They all mean Lord, have mercy, and a person who can say it with the congregation is joining the prayer.

Learn the greeting of Pascha, which is the one phrase that every Orthodox Christian knows. In Greek it is Christos anesti, answered by Alithos anesti. In Church Slavonic and Russian it is Khristos voskrese, answered by Voistinu voskrese. In Romanian it is Hristos a înviat, answered by Adevărat a înviat. In Arabic it is Al-Masih qam, answered by Haqqan qam. Saying it to your spouse’s grandmother at the end of the Paschal service in her own language is a gift that she will remember.

Be patient with yourself, and with the other person. It may take several years before the words come easily, and if it is a language you are not studying otherwise, it may never. A person who has stood faithfully through a service in a language they cannot understand, for love of the other, has done something good.

5. The language of the home

Couples who share no first language usually settle into one of a small number of patterns, and it is helpful to choose rather than drift. The most common is that the couple speak the language in which they are both most fluent, which in the United States is often English. A second is that each speaks their own language to the other, because both understand it passively. A third is that they alternate by day, by room or by topic. A fourth is that one learns the other’s language, sometimes to a high level.

Each pattern has costs. When a couple speak the second language of one of them, the person who is using it will work harder in every conversation, and they may feel that they are less funny, less quick and less themselves than they are in their own language. Intimacy, arguments and jokes all rely on nuance, and nuance is the first thing lost. The partner who is using their first language should be aware of it, and should speak slowly in arguments, avoid idioms and check that they have understood.

It also matters which language is used for the most emotional topics. A couple who always have their difficult conversations in the language of one partner are, in effect, giving that partner an advantage. A good habit is to agree that when a conversation is serious, either of you can ask to slow down, or to repeat it, or to use a third language you both understand. It is also wise to have a few words of affection and apology in each other’s language, because being told you are sorry in your mother tongue can reach where nothing else does.

Finally, a home language is not a fixed thing. It shifts with children, with grandparents and with moves. A couple who agree that they will revisit it every few years are less likely to find themselves in an argument that is really about whether one culture has been quietly displaced.

6. Children and the heritage language

Few subjects carry as much feeling as this one. Grandparents often hope that the children will speak the family’s language, and parents often hope the same, and the reality is that in the United States the heritage language is lost in two or three generations unless somebody works at it.

The usual advice to bilingual families is consistency. The approach known as one parent, one language, in which each parent speaks only their own language to the children, is widely used and works well when both parents are fluent and both are committed. It does not suit every family. Another approach is a minority-language home, in which the family speak the heritage language at home and the children learn English at school and elsewhere, which gives the heritage language the best chance. Whatever you choose, it must be something that you can sustain, since children notice at once when a rule is dropped.

The Church can help. Many parishes run Sunday school or language classes, a youth group in the heritage language and summer camps, and the grandparents’ generation is often a very good teacher. It is also worth teaching children the basic prayers in both languages, and in particular the Lord’s Prayer, the Trisagion and the Creed, so that they have the words of worship in a language they understand and the words of their grandparents’ church.

Do not make faith depend on language. A child who learns that to be Orthodox is to speak Greek, and who does not, may conclude that the Church is not for them. The faith should be given in the language they understand, and the heritage language should be offered as a gift, not as a condition of belonging. Many people have been lost to the Church by the wrong kind of insistence, and many have found their way back through a language they had half forgotten.

7. In-laws, hospitality and the go-between problem

When the in-laws do not speak your language, or you do not speak theirs, the relationship will need more care than it might otherwise. The usual hazard is that the spouse who speaks both becomes the permanent interpreter, which makes them the filter for every conversation, and, in a bad moment, the person who is blamed for what was said. A spouse who is stuck in the middle for years will get tired.

The better arrangement is that the in-laws and the partner build a direct relationship, however limited. A few words of greeting, a shared meal, a gesture of respect and an obvious effort to learn will go a long way. In many Orthodox cultures, hospitality is the language that everyone speaks. Bringing a dish, accepting food with gratitude, sitting at the table for an hour and staying through the second round of coffee tell the family more than any sentence.

It is useful to know the customs of address. In a number of cultures, an elder is addressed by a title and not a first name, and there are particular forms for a parent-in-law. In some, a godparent is addressed as kum or koumbaros and is treated as a member of the family. Ask your spouse, and if in doubt, offer respect and be corrected. The guide to the wedding sponsor explains how seriously the role is taken.

And be generous with the family’s expectations. Many families have been through a great deal to keep their language and customs, and a marriage outside the culture can feel like a loss to them. It is usually not a rejection of you but a worry about what will survive. A calm, warm and consistent presence over several years does more than any argument.

8. Customs, calendar and food

Bilingual couples are very often also bicultural, and the differences show up in the calendar. A couple from the Greek and Serbian traditions will celebrate Christmas on different days. A couple from a Slavic and an Arab background will have different customs for Lent, Pascha and name days. In some cultures the feast of the household’s patron saint, the slava of the Serbian tradition, is the central family event of the year. In others it is the name day, or Easter, or the first Sunday of Lent.

It is not necessary to choose between them. A couple can keep both, and many do, by taking turns, by alternating years, or by marking each other’s feasts in a smaller way. What is important is that each partner’s customs are treated as real and not as something quaint. The more that a household’s traditions are visible, the more naturally the children will take them up.

Food is the easiest place to start. Learning to cook a dish from the other person’s family, especially a Lenten dish, is a good way of entering their culture and of being welcomed into it. The fasting calendar makes this easy, because the Lenten tables of the Orthodox world are among its most distinctive, and every culture has dishes that are made nowhere else.

The wedding itself is a particular case. Orthodox weddings in different traditions share the same core, with the crowning, the common cup and the procession, but differ in details, music and customs. Many couples have the service in two languages, or have a part of it chanted in the other language, and many ask a priest from each tradition to take part. The guide to weddings across jurisdictions explains what to ask, and it is wise to raise it with your priest in good time.

9. Belonging: cradle, convert and the ethnic parish

A particular difficulty arises when one partner is a convert to Orthodoxy and the other comes from an ethnic parish. The convert may feel like an outsider in a community whose customs, language and shared memory they do not have, and the cradle Orthodox may be unsure how to help. The ethnic parish may, in turn, be wary of those who have come to the Church through a marriage.

Time helps, as does a deliberate effort. A convert who is humble about what they do not know, who asks questions and who takes part in the work of the parish will find that most communities respond warmly. A cradle Orthodox who explains the customs, introduces their spouse to the old people and defends them quietly when someone is rude is giving the greatest help they can.

The opposite case also arises. The cradle Orthodox who has grown up in an ethnic community may feel that they are not Greek enough, or Serbian enough, or Arab enough, to keep up with the community in the old country, and also not American enough for their neighbours. A marriage can be a place where this is eased, since each is a witness to the other’s experience of being between two worlds.

It is worth remembering that the Church is larger than any one culture. The Orthodox faith has been lived in Greek, Arabic, Slavonic, Georgian, Romanian, Amharic, Coptic, Armenian and English, and a family that holds it in more than one language has a fuller picture of what it is.

10. Practical matters: documents, names and the civil side

A few practical matters follow from a bicultural marriage. Documents that are not in English, such as a baptismal certificate, a birth certificate or a record of an earlier marriage, may need an official translation, and sometimes certification, before a church or a government office will accept them. Ask the priest and the county clerk what they need, and ask early, since foreign records can take weeks to obtain.

Names also need thought. Many cultures have patronymics, different order of surname and given name, or a woman’s retaining her own name after marriage. A couple should decide how they will be known, how they will name their children, and how they will handle the name that appears on a church record, a passport and a marriage licence. The guide to marriage licences and civil requirements deals with the legal side in the United States.

If either of you is a citizen of another country, the immigration side of the marriage is a separate matter that deserves professional advice. The guide to international dating covers the basics, and an immigration attorney can answer the questions that depend on your situation. Do not rely on a parish rumour.

A conversation about language and culture before you are engaged

Have this conversation over a long meal, and take notes if it helps. The aim is to understand what each of you hopes to carry forward and what you are each prepared to learn.

  1. Step 1

    Map your four languages

    Each of you writes down the language of your family, the language you pray in, the language you feel most yourself in, and the language you fall back on when you are angry. Compare the lists, and talk about what surprised you.

  2. Step 2

    Decide the parish question together

    List what each of you needs from a parish, such as a language you can follow, a priest you trust or a community your family knows. Visit the options together, and talk to the priest about a bilingual or alternating arrangement. Decide on a trial of six months, not a lifetime.

  3. Step 3

    Agree a home language and a review date

    Choose the main language of the household, and the languages you will use for serious conversations. Agree that either of you can ask to slow down or use another language. Put a date in the diary to review the arrangement in a year.

  4. Step 4

    Plan for the children and the grandparents

    Talk about which language the children will hear from each of you, how you will teach the prayers, and what role the grandparents will play. Ask the grandparents what they hope for, and tell them what you can and cannot promise.

  5. Step 5

    Learn ten words in each other’s language

    Each of you learns ten phrases in the other’s language, including the Pascha greeting, a prayer response, a word of love and an apology. Use them. Nothing builds goodwill faster, and it prepares the ground for a longer study if you both want one.

Common questions

Which language should we use for the Divine Liturgy in our marriage?

The one in which both of you can pray. Many couples attend an English-language or bilingual parish, and some alternate between two parishes. The Church has prayed in the language of the people since the time of Saints Cyril and Methodius, so using English or a mixture is not a compromise of the faith. Discuss it with your priest before the wedding.

Do our children need to speak the heritage language to be Orthodox?

No. The faith should be given in the language the children understand. The heritage language is a gift, and many families successfully teach it through consistent use at home, church school and time with grandparents, but it should not be made a condition of belonging. Teach the basic prayers in both languages if you can.

How do we avoid one culture dominating the household?

Treat both as real, and take turns in visible ways: alternate feasts and customs, cook each other’s dishes, and celebrate both name days. Review the arrangement every year, since families change. The aim is a household that carries both inheritances, not a contest between them.

How can I follow the service if I do not understand the language?

Get a bilingual text, read the day’s Gospel and Epistle beforehand, and learn the shape of the service and the main responses, such as Kyrie eleison, Gospodi pomilui or Doamne, miluiește. Attend consistently. Over time the structure becomes familiar, and you can pray along even before you understand every word.

What if my in-laws do not speak English?

Build a direct relationship, however simple. Learn a few phrases, share meals, bring a dish, and show respect for their customs. Do not make your spouse the permanent interpreter. Hospitality is the language everyone speaks, and sitting with the family for an hour does more than any sentence.

Should we have the wedding service in two languages?

Many couples do, with parts chanted in each language, or the Gospel read twice. Ask your priest what is possible. The Orthodox wedding has the same core everywhere, but the music and customs vary, and a bilingual service lets both families feel that it is theirs.

Do foreign documents need translating before the wedding?

Often they do. Certificates in another language may need an official translation, and sometimes certification, before a church or government office will accept them. Ask your priest and the county clerk what is required, and start early, since foreign records can take weeks to obtain.

Sources and further reading

Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.