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Marriage

Orthodox wedding vows and what you can personalise

An Orthodox wedding contains no vows and no exchange of promises. Here is what happens instead, what the couple may choose, and what is fixed and why.

By Orthodate Editorial14 minute read

Almost every couple planning an Orthodox wedding arrives with a question about the vows, and the answer surprises them: there are none. The service contains no promises spoken by the bride and groom, no exchange of pledges, and no moment where one person says words back to the other. The Orthodox Church in America states the point flatly in its description of the sacrament — the marriage service is not a juridical contract and contains no vows or oaths. Understanding what stands in their place is the key that unlocks every other planning decision, because it explains why some requests are granted instantly and others are refused without discussion.

At a glance

Key takeaways

  • There are no vows because the service is not understood as a contract between two people but as a blessing given to them, which is why nothing in it is spoken by the couple.
  • What is fixed is the rite: the betrothal, the crowns, the readings, the common cup and the procession. What is open is everything around it, and that is a great deal more than couples expect.
  • Ask the parish for its written wedding guidelines at the first meeting, then brief your photographer and planner from that document rather than from a general wedding blog.

1. Why there are no vows

A Western wedding is built around a performative moment. Two people make promises, and the promises are what constitute the marriage; everything else in the service supports that exchange. The Orthodox service is built on a different assumption. The couple do not marry themselves by declaring something; they are brought before God and the Church, prayed over, and crowned. The grammar of the service is almost entirely in the third person: the priest asks, and God gives.

This is why there is nothing for the couple to say. Their consent is not in doubt and is established before the service rather than performed inside it, through the meetings with the priest, the paperwork and, in several traditions, an explicit question asked at the start of the betrothal about whether the intention is free and whether either party has promised themselves to anyone else. Slavic practice preserves those questions audibly; Greek practice generally treats consent as established beforehand and does not ask them aloud.

The theological weight sits on the crowns rather than on words. The crowns are crowns of glory and of martyrdom in the same breath, and the prayer that accompanies them asks God to receive them into His kingdom. That is a considerably larger claim than a promise to remain together, and it is the reason the service does not reach for one.

2. What happens instead, in order

The service has two parts that were historically separate and are now almost always served together. The betrothal comes first, usually at the back of the church or in the narthex. Rings are blessed and exchanged, traditionally three times, by the sponsor rather than by the couple themselves. The symbolism of that detail is worth noticing: even the rings are given rather than taken.

The crowning follows in the body of the church. The crowns are placed, exchanged three times, and the epistle and Gospel are read. The epistle is from Ephesians and the Gospel is the wedding at Cana. Neither is chosen by the couple, which is the first request most couples make and the first one that is gently declined.

A common cup of wine is shared, and then the priest leads the couple around the table three times while the hymns known as the Dance of Isaiah are sung. This is the closest the service has to a processional, and it comes in the middle rather than at the start. The crowns are removed with a final blessing and the service ends.

None of that requires the couple to speak. They stand, they are led, they are crowned, and they drink from one cup. People who have only attended Western weddings frequently describe their first Orthodox one as feeling like something being done for the couple rather than by them, which is precisely right.

3. What is fixed, and why asking will not move it

The text and order of the service are fixed. So are the readings, the prayers, the crowns and the common cup. The priest is not withholding flexibility out of conservatism; he does not have the authority to rewrite a service of the Church, and a couple who press on this point are asking for something he cannot grant at any level of goodwill.

Who may be married is likewise fixed. At least one party must be an Orthodox Christian in good standing, and the other must at minimum be a baptised Christian. A marriage between an Orthodox Christian and an unbaptised person is not celebrated in the Church. Where one party has been married before, an ecclesiastical decree is required before a date can be set.

Communion is not distributed at a wedding in most modern practice, and where a Liturgy is served alongside the crowning, a non-Orthodox spouse does not receive. This is the single most painful fixed point for interchurch couples and it is far better understood months in advance than discovered at the rail.

Finally, the sponsor must be an Orthodox Christian in good standing. This one catches couples out constantly, because the natural choice is often a lifelong friend or a sibling who is not Orthodox. The role is not ceremonial and the requirement is not waived.

  • The text, order, prayers and readings of the service.
  • The requirement that at least one party is Orthodox and the other baptised.
  • The ecclesiastical decree where there has been a previous church marriage.
  • The sponsor being an Orthodox Christian in good standing.
  • Communion practice, including who may and may not receive.

4. What is genuinely yours to choose

The list is longer than most couples assume, and it is where the day actually acquires its character. Music is the largest item: parishes vary enormously in what the choir can sing, and a couple who ask early can often have the service sung in two languages, or in a setting that means something to one of the families. Asking three weeks out gets a no; asking six months out frequently gets a yes.

Language is negotiable in many parishes, and a bilingual service is common where one family has come from abroad. A printed booklet with the text and a translation is almost always welcomed, costs very little, and does more for non-Orthodox guests than any amount of explaining beforehand.

The visual choices are yours: flowers, candles, what the bride wears, what the wedding party wears, whether there is a wedding party at all in the Western sense. Only the sponsor has a liturgical role; bridesmaids and groomsmen are a cultural import and parishes differ on where they stand, but their presence or absence is not a matter of the rite.

The icons are a choice that couples often do not realise they have. In many traditions the parents present the couple with icons of Christ and the Theotokos, which then become the first icons of the new household. Choosing them deliberately, rather than accepting whatever is to hand, is one of the few decisions from the day that you will still be looking at in thirty years.

  • Music, choir and the language or languages of the service.
  • A printed service booklet with translation for guests.
  • Flowers, candles, dress and the composition of the wedding party.
  • The icons presented by the families, and the rings themselves.
  • Whether the crowning is attached to a Liturgy, where the parish offers it.
  • The entire reception, which is where the cultural celebration properly lives.

5. The requests that come up every time

Writing your own vows is the most common and it is not possible, because there is no place in the service for them to go. Couples who want the experience sometimes read something to each other at the reception, or exchange letters privately on the morning, and that is a reasonable substitute that no one objects to.

Unity candles, sand ceremonies, handfasting and similar additions are not part of the Orthodox rite and are generally declined. The common cup already does the work those symbols are reaching for, and adding a second symbol of union directly after it tends to look, to Orthodox eyes, like the service explaining itself twice.

A first look, a processional to a chosen piece of music, or a father walking the bride up the aisle and giving her away are Western conventions that parishes treat very differently. Some accommodate them in whole or in part, some do not, and the answer often depends on the physical shape of the church as much as on principle.

Having a non-Orthodox minister co-officiate is not possible. Where one party is Catholic, the joint pastoral tradition in North America allows for a single ceremony in which a guest clergyman may be invited to offer a prayer or a word of greeting, and that is the form the request should take rather than a shared officiating role.

Photography and video are the most frequent source of friction on the day itself, and it is entirely avoidable. Parishes almost always have rules about where a photographer may stand, whether flash is permitted and whether anyone may go behind the iconostasis, which is never. Get those rules in writing and send them to the photographer when you book, not the week before.

6. How to ask for something well

Ask early, ask once, and ask the priest rather than the parish council, the choir director or an aunt who was married there in 1987. Requests raised nine months out are scheduling questions; the same request raised at the rehearsal is a problem.

Frame a request as a question rather than a plan. There is a large difference between telling a priest that your cousin will be singing during the crowning and asking whether it would be possible for your cousin to sing, and the difference determines the answer more often than the substance does.

When something is refused, ask what the reason is, and listen for which of three kinds it is. Some refusals are theological and will never move. Some are jurisdictional and could in principle be raised with a bishop but usually should not be. And some are simply this parish’s practice, in which case there may be a version of the request that works.

Accept a no gracefully the first time. The clergy of a parish are people you will be asking to baptise your children, and a wedding is the beginning of that relationship rather than a transaction that ends when the crowns come off.

7. Briefing people who have never seen one

Most wedding professionals in North America have never worked an Orthodox wedding and will plan around assumptions that do not apply. The three that cause the most trouble are the expectation of a vows moment to photograph, the expectation that the ceremony lasts twenty minutes, and the expectation that the couple face the congregation.

Send every vendor the same one-page brief. It should say the length of the service, that there are no vows and no kiss on cue, where the key visual moments actually are, the parish’s photography rules, and the name and number of whoever at the parish is coordinating on the day.

Tell the photographer specifically that the crowning, the exchange of crowns, the common cup and the procession around the table are the four moments, and that all of them happen in the middle of the service rather than at the end. A photographer who knows this will produce a completely different set of pictures from one who spends the service waiting for a moment that never arrives.

If you are having a planner, make clear early that the church portion is not theirs to design. Planners used to secular venues sometimes attempt to negotiate with a parish the way they would with a hotel, and it goes badly for everyone, most of all for you.

  • One written brief, sent to every vendor at the time of booking.
  • State the service length and that there is no vows or kiss cue.
  • Name the four visual moments explicitly.
  • Attach the parish’s own photography and video rules.
  • Give the name of the parish contact for the day.

8. What couples say afterwards

The consistent report from couples who wanted vows and did not get them is that the absence stopped mattering at the moment the crowns went on. What they describe remembering is being led rather than performing: the weight of the crown, the walk around the table, the fact that neither of them had to produce anything under the eyes of two hundred people.

There is also a quieter effect that shows up later. Because nothing in the service depends on what either person said, nothing about it can be undermined by the ordinary human business of having said something badly, or nervously, or in tears. The marriage does not rest on a performance that has to be remembered correctly.

For couples who still want an exchange of words, the reception is the obvious and entirely appropriate home for it, and so is a private letter read on the morning. Neither of those competes with the service. Both of them are yours.

Separate the fixed from the open in one afternoon

Take an hour with your fiancé and a blank page before the next meeting with the priest. The aim is to arrive knowing exactly which of your plans are questions and which are simply decisions you are free to make.

  1. Step 1

    Write down everything you are picturing

    Every element of the day as you currently imagine it, in one list, without filtering. Include the things you have absorbed from other weddings without noticing, because those are the assumptions that cause the friction later.

  2. Step 2

    Sort the list into three columns

    Inside the service, around the service, and at the reception. Most of what matters to people turns out to sit in the second and third columns, which is a considerable relief once it is visible on paper.

  3. Step 3

    Request the parish’s written wedding guidelines

    Almost every parish has a document covering photography, music, flowers, the sponsor requirement and the schedule on the day. Ask for it by email and read it before you ask a single question, because it answers most of them.

  4. Step 4

    Bring only the genuine questions to the priest

    Three or four, phrased as questions, in one conversation. A short list asked properly is answered generously; a long list of stated plans is answered defensively, and it is the same priest either way.

  5. Step 5

    Write the vendor brief the same week

    One page, from the parish guidelines and the answers you were given. Send it with every booking confirmation. This single page prevents almost every problem that occurs on the day itself.

Common questions

Do Orthodox weddings have vows?

No. The Orthodox marriage service contains no vows, promises or oaths spoken by the couple. The Orthodox Church in America describes the sacrament explicitly as not being a juridical contract and as containing no vows. The couple are prayed over and crowned rather than making declarations to each other.

Can we write our own vows for an Orthodox wedding?

No, because there is no point in the service where they would be said. Couples who want the experience usually read something to each other at the reception or exchange private letters on the morning of the wedding, neither of which conflicts with the service.

Does the couple say anything at all?

In Slavic practice the priest asks each party at the betrothal whether their intention is free and whether they have promised themselves to anyone else, and they answer. Greek practice generally establishes consent beforehand and does not ask aloud. Beyond that, the couple are silent throughout.

Can we choose the readings or the music?

The epistle and Gospel readings are fixed and are the same at every Orthodox wedding. Music is often negotiable: many parishes will accommodate a particular setting, a second language or a guest singer if you ask several months ahead rather than at the rehearsal.

Can we have a unity candle or a sand ceremony?

These are not part of the Orthodox rite and are usually declined. The common cup shared during the service already carries that meaning, and parishes are reluctant to place a second symbol of union immediately beside it.

Who walks the bride down the aisle?

Practice varies widely and the Western giving away of the bride has no equivalent in the rite itself. Some parishes accommodate a processional and a father escorting the bride, others do not, and the physical layout of the church often decides it. Ask the parish rather than assuming.

Can a non-Orthodox minister take part in the service?

A non-Orthodox clergyman cannot co-officiate. Where one party is Catholic, the established pastoral practice in North America is a single ceremony at which a guest clergyman may be invited to offer a prayer or greeting. Ask for that specific form rather than for shared officiating.

How long is the service?

Commonly forty-five minutes to an hour for the betrothal and crowning together, and longer where it is attached to a Liturgy. Tell your vendors, because most of them will have planned around twenty minutes and will position themselves accordingly.

Sources and further reading

Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.