Relationships
21 questions before an Orthodox relationship gets serious
Twenty-one thoughtful questions about Orthodox faith, marriage, children, money, family and conflict to discuss before a relationship becomes serious.
Before an Orthodox relationship becomes serious, discuss how each person understands faith, marriage, children, money, family and conflict. The goal is not identical answers. It is to discover whether you can tell the truth, understand your differences and make important decisions together.
Questions 1–4: faith and parish life
Listen for lived experience rather than a perfect vocabulary. A returning Christian may be sincere and still rebuilding habits; a lifelong parishioner may practise differently from you. The important questions are whether faith is genuine, growth is possible and differences can be discussed with humility.
- What does being Orthodox mean in your daily life right now?
- What kind of parish life do you hope to share as a couple?
- How do you approach prayer, fasting, confession and spiritual guidance?
- How would we handle differences in practice without judging or controlling each other?
Questions 5–8: marriage and commitment
Orthodox teaching treats marriage as more than a private lifestyle arrangement. That makes practical discussion more important, not less. Talk about service, fidelity, sacrifice, friendship and the ordinary work by which two lives become one household.
- Why do you want to marry, and what do you believe marriage asks of you?
- What did the marriages around you teach you—both positively and negatively?
- How do you imagine responsibilities being shared at home?
- What would make you seek counselling or pastoral help?
Questions 9–11: children and family life
These subjects can carry grief, medical uncertainty or family pressure. Ask with tenderness. Compatibility does not require predicting every circumstance, but it does require enough honesty to understand each person’s hopes and limits.
- Do you hope to have children, and how would you respond if that becomes difficult?
- How do you imagine raising children in the Church?
- What roles should grandparents and extended family have in our decisions?
Questions 12–14: money, work and place
You do not need to exchange account numbers early in dating. You do need to notice whether each person can speak truthfully about financial habits and obligations before engagement. Hidden debt, gambling and financial control are not minor communication differences.
- What does financial responsibility look like to you?
- How should a couple make decisions about work, debt, saving and generosity?
- Where could you realistically live, and what might cause you to move?
Questions 15–18: communication and conflict
Do not judge only the answer. Watch what happens during an actual misunderstanding. A mature partner can pause, return, take responsibility and hear the impact of their actions. Threats, contempt, surveillance, intimidation and spiritual manipulation are not conflict styles to accommodate.
- What happens inside you when you are angry or overwhelmed?
- How did your family apologize and repair conflict?
- What boundaries help you feel respected during disagreement?
- Which behaviours would make a relationship unsafe or impossible to continue?
Questions 19–21: culture, growth and the future
The final question brings abstractions into focus. Compare not only ideal holidays and major goals, but workdays, chores, parish commitments, rest and friendships. Marriage is built mostly from ordinary weeks.
- Which cultural or family traditions are important for you to preserve?
- How do you hope to keep growing—as a person, spouse and Christian?
- What would a faithful, ordinary week together look like five years from now?
How to evaluate the conversation
Afterward, ask whether you felt free to be truthful. Notice where answers differ and decide whether the difference is negotiable, requires pastoral clarification or represents incompatible futures. “We will solve it later” is not a plan when the subject concerns children, faith or basic safety.
Return to difficult topics more than once. Consistency matters, and people sometimes need time to name what they believe. Serious discernment combines conversation with observation: promises should eventually be visible in conduct.
Common questions
When should couples start asking serious questions?
Begin with intentions and basic values early, then discuss more personal subjects as mutual trust develops. Important incompatibilities should be known before engagement, not discovered during wedding planning.
What if we practise Orthodoxy differently?
Difference can be workable when both people are sincere, respectful and able to agree on a shared parish and family life. Ask a priest about sacramental or canonical questions that depend on jurisdiction.
Are matching answers enough to prove compatibility?
No. Answers show self-understanding and intention; conduct shows character. Evaluate whether the person’s choices remain consistent with what they say.
Sources and further reading
Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.