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How to explain Orthodox practices to someone you are dating: icons, fasting, the sign of the cross and more

Plain-language answers to the questions a non-Orthodox partner asks about icons, the sign of the cross, fasting, communion, confession and the calendar.

By Orthodate Editorial20 minute read

If you have grown up in the Orthodox Church, a great deal of it has stopped being visible to you. You cross yourself without thinking, kiss an icon on the way in, check the calendar before you cook on a Friday, and no longer notice that the service is sung from beginning to end. Then you start dating someone who did not grow up with any of it, and discover that every one of these habits is a question. The questions are rarely hostile. They are what curiosity looks like in a person who is paying attention to you. How you answer them says a good deal about how you treat your faith and how you will treat theirs. This guide gives honest, plain-language answers to the questions that come up most often, suggests the order in which to introduce things, and says where to stop, hand a question to your priest or admit that you do not know.

At a glance

Key takeaways

  • Explain Orthodox practice through what it means, not only through what it is called, and keep each answer short enough that the other person can ask the next question rather than endure a lecture.
  • The hardest questions, such as why a partner cannot receive communion or whether the Church thinks other Christians are lost, deserve honesty and humility, and are better answered with what the Church teaches than with what you imagine it must teach.
  • Invite rather than convince: bring them to a service, give them time and let them see how you pray, and send questions you cannot answer to your priest, who is the right person to answer them.

1. How to be asked: the posture that makes the rest easier

Before any particular answer, it helps to decide what you are trying to do. You are not trying to win an argument or to recruit a convert. You are trying to let someone you care about understand the life you lead. That is a quiet goal, and it is compatible with their remaining exactly where they are for a long time.

The first thing to accept is that you will not be able to answer everything. The Orthodox tradition is deep, and a lifelong member may know less of its theology than a thoughtful visitor who has read a book. Saying “I do not know, but I will ask my priest” is both honest and, to most people, reassuring. It is much better than a confident answer that turns out to be wrong.

The second is to listen for the question behind the question. “Why do you kiss that picture?” may be curiosity, or discomfort, or the worry that it contradicts something in their own upbringing. Many people from Protestant backgrounds have been taught that venerating an icon is idolatry, and what they are really asking is whether you are doing something they were taught was wrong. A gentle answer that names the worry, such as, “That is a fair question, and a lot of Christians have asked it. Here is what we mean by it,” opens more than a defensive one.

The third is Philip’s answer to Nathanael in the Gospel of John. When Nathanael doubts that anything good can come from Nazareth, Philip does not argue. He says, “Come and see.” Much of Orthodox life is best understood by being present for it, and an invitation to a service often does more than an hour of explanation.

2. The sign of the cross

Orthodox Christians make the sign of the cross constantly: on entering a church, at the mention of the Trinity, during the litany, before eating, on setting out on a journey. A newcomer notices it within the first minute, and it is among the easiest things to explain.

The short version is that it is a prayer made with the body. With the right hand, the first three fingers are brought together, to remember the Trinity, and the last two are folded into the palm. This is commonly explained as a reminder of the two natures of Christ, divine and human. You then touch the forehead, the chest, the right shoulder and the left. An Orthodox Christian crosses from right to left, which is the opposite of the habit in the Western Church, and it is a small detail that visiting friends often point out.

It is worth adding what it is not. It is not a superstition or a good-luck charm. It is a way of saying, with the body, that you are placing what you are about to do under the cross of Christ. It also teaches the faith: the Trinity and the Incarnation are present in the gesture before a word is said.

If your partner asks whether they should do it, the honest answer is that nobody expects them to. A visitor who stands quietly and respectfully is welcome. Making the sign of the cross without meaning it is not a compliment to anyone, and most Orthodox people would prefer silent attention to a gesture that is performed to please.

3. Icons: the question most Protestants and many Catholics ask

Icons are the most visible difference between an Orthodox church and almost any other, and the most likely to produce the question “Is that not idolatry?” It deserves a careful answer, since it is a serious objection that the Church took seriously in its own history.

The shortest honest answer is that Orthodox Christians do not worship icons. They venerate them, which is a different thing. In the eighth century, during the struggle over images, the Church drew the distinction clearly, and the Second Council of Nicaea in 787 taught that the honour paid to an icon passes to the person it depicts, and that worship, in the strict sense, belongs to God alone. Kissing an icon of Christ or of a saint is not so different from kissing a photograph of someone you love. The kiss is for the person, not the paper.

The deeper answer is about the Incarnation. The Old Testament commandment against making images of God was given to a people who had never seen him. When the Son of God became a man, he could be seen, heard and touched, and the early Christians concluded that to refuse to paint him was to deny that he had a body. Saint John of Damascus, who defended the icons in the eighth century, argued exactly this. An icon of Christ is a confession of the Incarnation in paint.

It also helps to explain what icons look like and why. They are traditionally flat, not sculpted, which is why you will rarely see a statue in an Orthodox church. They follow an established style that is not meant to be realistic, because the point is not to show how a person looked on a particular afternoon but to show them as they are in the light of God. The gold background, the large eyes and the calm faces are deliberate.

Many partners ask about the icons in your home. An icon corner is simply a place for prayer, a small shelf with an icon or two, a lamp and perhaps a candle. If you invite your partner into your home, it is kind to mention it, so that they are not surprised, and to say that nobody needs to do anything in front of it.

4. The saints and the Mother of God

The second most common difficulty for a Protestant partner is the way Orthodox Christians speak to the saints and to Mary. The word that is often used is “pray”, and in English the word has become so associated with worship that it can sound alarming. In its older sense it means to ask, as one might say to a friend, “I pray you, help me.”

The Orthodox explanation is that the saints are alive in Christ and that the Church on earth and the Church in heaven are one body. If you would ask a friend to pray for you, and that is a thing most Christians do, there is no reason in principle not to ask someone who has finished the race. The Letter to the Hebrews speaks of a great cloud of witnesses around us, and the Letter of James says that the prayer of a righteous person has great power. The Orthodox Church takes both literally.

Mary is called the Theotokos, which means the one who gave birth to God, and the title was settled at the Council of Ephesus in 431. Its purpose is not to elevate Mary above her Son, but to say something about who he is: the child she bore was God himself. Her honour is a consequence of his. She is not worshipped, and the hymns to her, which can be extravagant, are all about Christ.

If your partner is uneasy, it is best not to press the point. Say that you do not expect them to share it, that you would never ask them to pray to a saint, and that you would be glad to explain more whenever they wish. Nothing is gained by turning a difference of practice into a test of loyalty.

5. Fasting: why a date on a Friday is different

Fasting is the part of Orthodox life that most directly affects another person, because it determines what you eat and when, and so where you can go out and what you can share. It is better to explain it early, and simply.

The core is that Orthodox Christians abstain from meat and dairy on Wednesdays and Fridays throughout the year, and for longer periods before the great feasts, above all Great Lent before Pascha. According to the Orthodox Church in America’s outline, a strict fast day also excludes fish, wine and oil, and the details vary with the season and the person. The outline is also clear that the rules are not applied with rigid legalism: they are adjusted for the elderly, the sick, travellers and children, and a person should ask their spiritual father when in doubt.

The reason is that fasting is a discipline of the whole person. The Church’s teaching is that fasting from food is not meant to be a diet but a training of the will, and that it is worthless unless it is joined to prayer and almsgiving. A partner who is used to thinking of religion as a matter of belief may find it surprising that the body is expected to take part, and the explanation that the body prays with the soul is often the moment the practice makes sense.

Practically, say what you will and will not eat, offer alternatives and be relaxed about it. Do not turn a shared meal into a performance. If your partner wants to join you in a fast, welcome it, but do not make them feel that they must. The guides on fasting and on dating during fasting seasons give practical ideas.

6. The service: length, standing and why everything is sung

Most visitors are surprised by three things in an Orthodox service: how long it is, how much of it is sung, and that people stand. It helps to say so before the first visit, so that nobody is embarrassed.

A Sunday Liturgy typically lasts an hour and a half to two hours, sometimes longer with the morning service that precedes it. It is sung because worship in the Orthodox tradition has always been sung, from the psalms onwards, and because words set to music are a way of praying with the whole voice. The congregation is not expected to follow every word. It is allowed to be carried by the service and to join in where it can.

Many Orthodox churches have few or no pews, or have pews that are used sparingly, and people stand for much of the service. Visitors are not expected to stand throughout and may sit when they are tired. A good rule is to follow what the people near you do, and nobody minds if you sit.

The other thing to prepare a partner for is the incense, the icons and the very full sensory experience of the service. Some find it deeply moving, and some find it overwhelming. Both are normal. It is also worth saying that most parishes are warm to visitors and that a visitor who comes quietly will be greeted at coffee hour. The guides to the Liturgy and to a first visit give more detail.

7. Communion: the hardest conversation

The question that causes the most pain is why a non-Orthodox partner cannot receive communion. It deserves to be answered with care, since it can feel like a verdict on the person.

The Orthodox position is that Holy Communion is the Church’s own act, the sign and the fulfilment of unity in faith. The Orthodox Church in America’s account of the Divine Liturgy states that all who are members of the Church through baptism and chrismation, including small children, may partake. For that reason, most Orthodox churches do not give communion to those who are not Orthodox, and this applies to baptised Christians of other traditions as well as to the unbaptised. It is not a judgment on anyone’s sincerity or holiness. It is an expression of the conviction that communion is the culmination of belonging to one Church, and that to receive it without that belonging would be to say something untrue.

It is fine to say that this is hard. For a Catholic or Protestant partner who believes the Eucharist is the centre of Christian life, to stand beside the person they love and not receive can be painful, and pretending otherwise is unkind. Many Orthodox Christians feel it too. It is more honest to acknowledge the difficulty than to explain it away.

There are practical points that soften it slightly. Many parishes offer a piece of blessed bread at the end of the Liturgy to all who are present. It is not communion, but it is a sign of welcome, and visitors are usually invited to take it. And a partner who wishes to come to communion in the Orthodox Church can talk to the priest about becoming Orthodox, which is a process and not a favour. Nobody should be pressed into it, and nobody should convert in order to settle a relationship. The guide on converting for marriage gives the cautions.

8. Confession and the priest

People from traditions without confession often assume that it is an interrogation, and people from the Catholic tradition assume that it works as it does in their own. Neither is quite accurate.

In Orthodox practice, a person confesses before an icon of Christ in the presence of the priest, who is a witness and a guide and not a judge. The priest places the end of his stole over the penitent’s head and prays the prayer of absolution. Confession is expected before communion at regular intervals, and how often depends on the parish and the priest. The Orthodox Church in America’s account of penance describes it as a sacrament of healing.

Two points matter for a partner. First, what is said in confession is confidential, and a decent person does not ask what you said. Second, you are allowed to say that it is private, and to leave it there. The guide to confession explains the practice in more detail, and it is worth reading before you try to describe it.

9. The calendar: why your Christmas is on a different day

The Orthodox calendar will come up the first December. Some Orthodox Churches celebrate the Nativity on 25 December and others on 7 January, because some use the Julian calendar for fixed feasts and others the revised Julian. The difference is not a doctrinal one. It is the result of a historical choice about how to reckon the year, and most Orthodox Christians are quite relaxed about it.

Pascha is a more consistent case. The date of Pascha is calculated by nearly all Orthodox churches by the same rule, and it often falls on a different Sunday from Western Easter, and in some years on the same one. The practical consequence for a couple is that you may have to arrange two Easters, or one with an interval, and it is worth deciding together how to handle it. The guides on the calendars and on the date of Pascha give the detail.

If your partner celebrates on the Western calendar, the simplest advice is to keep both. Celebrate theirs with them, and keep yours without making it a contest. The guide on Orthodox Christmas dates covers the reasons and the customs.

10. A short glossary of the small things

There are a handful of small practices that newcomers often notice, and it helps to have a sentence ready for each.

  • Kissing the priest’s hand. A sign of respect for the priesthood, and for the blessing he gives. Nobody expects a visitor to do it.
  • Calling the priest “Father”. It is the usual form of address. His wife is often called “Matushka”, “Presbytera” or “Khouria”, depending on the parish.
  • The prayer rope. A knotted cord, usually of 33 or 100 knots, used to count repetitions of the Jesus Prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” It is a tool for prayer, not an ornament.
  • Head coverings. Some Orthodox women cover their heads in church, and many do not. It varies by parish and culture, and a visitor is welcome either way.
  • Candles. Lit before icons as a prayer offered, for the living and the dead. A visitor may light one if they wish.
  • Name days. A person’s feast is the day of the saint whose name they bear, and is often celebrated more than a birthday. It is a good moment to be given a small gift or a meal.
  • Godparents. In an Orthodox baptism, the godparent, or sponsor, is a serious role. The guide on baptisms explains it, and also says what a non-Orthodox guest should expect.

11. The harder questions

A few questions go beyond practice, and a partner who asks them is asking something serious. It is better to admit that they are serious than to deflect.

Does the Church think other Christians are not saved? The Orthodox Church understands itself to be the Church founded by Christ, and it holds that the fullness of the faith and the sacraments are found there. It does not claim to know the fate of any individual, and it does not say that those outside it are damned. A saying often repeated by Orthodox theologians is that we know where the Church is, but we cannot say where it is not. That is an honest answer, and it leaves the judgment to God.

Why do you differ from Catholics? The usual summary is that the two Churches drifted apart over centuries, with a formal break often dated to 1054. The differences include the authority of the Pope, the Western addition of “and the Son” to the Creed, and a number of matters of practice. It is a large subject, and a short answer is better than a polemic.

Why are only men priests? The Orthodox Church holds that the priesthood is a sacramental icon of Christ, and that the Church has never ordained women to it. The question is a real one for many people, and the Church’s answer is that this is a matter of the Church’s tradition and not of worth. You are allowed to say that you find it hard to explain, if you do.

Why do you baptise infants? Because, in the Orthodox understanding, baptism, chrismation and communion are given together, and a child is admitted to the life of the Church before it can say why. The parents and godparents promise to bring the child up in the faith. A partner from a believers’-baptism background will find this foreign, and it is better to say so than to argue.

Whatever the question, a good rule is that you do not need to defend the Church in every particular. You need to be honest about what it teaches, honest about what you do not know, and kind to the person asking.

12. Where to stop, and who to send them to

There are three limits worth knowing. The first is that you are not their priest. A partner who begins to ask serious questions about baptism, belief or conversion deserves a proper conversation with a priest, in which you are not the intermediary. Offer to introduce them, and then stay out of it.

The second is that explaining is not persuading. If you start to answer every question with an eye to winning, they will feel it, and the relationship will become a debate. If you want to share your faith, the best argument is the way you live it, patiently and cheerfully, on ordinary days.

The third is that the Church has requirements for marriage. An Orthodox Christian who wishes to be married in the Church must marry a baptised Christian, and the specifics, including whether the other person is Orthodox, depend on the priest and the bishop. If your relationship is turning serious, speak to your priest early. The guides to marriage requirements and to the Orthodox and non-Orthodox cases explain what to ask.

Five ways to introduce your faith to a partner without a lecture

These steps are meant to be spread over weeks or months, not done in a week. The order matters: begin with what is easy, and let your partner set the pace.

  1. Step 1

    Choose three things to explain first

    Pick the three practices they are most likely to notice, usually the sign of the cross, icons and fasting. Prepare a two-sentence answer for each in your own words, and practise saying it aloud. If you cannot put it simply, you probably do not yet understand it well enough to explain it.

  2. Step 2

    Warn them before a first visit

    Before they come to a service, tell them how long it will be, that people stand, that it is sung, that they should follow the people near them, and that they will not be asked to do anything. Offer to sit with them at the back. A visitor who knows what to expect enjoys it far more.

  3. Step 3

    Debrief afterwards, and ask first

    After the service, ask what they noticed, and let them speak before you explain. Their questions will tell you what to say. Do not take criticism personally. A person who says that the service was too long is paying you a compliment by telling you the truth.

  4. Step 4

    Keep a list of questions for your priest

    When a question stumps you, write it down and ask your priest. Many priests are glad to be asked, and some will offer to meet your partner. It also shows your partner that you take the faith seriously enough to learn.

  5. Step 5

    Ask about theirs, too

    Ask your partner about their own faith with the same curiosity: what they pray, what they love about their tradition, what they find hard about yours. A conversation in which both of you are explaining and both listening is more honest, and more respectful, than one in which one person teaches.

Common questions

Why do Orthodox Christians kiss icons?

It is a gesture of veneration, not worship. The Second Council of Nicaea in 787 taught that the honour given to an icon passes to the person it depicts, and that worship in the strict sense belongs to God alone. Kissing an icon of Christ or a saint is closer to kissing a photograph of someone you love than to anything idolatrous.

Why cannot my non-Orthodox partner receive communion?

In Orthodox understanding, communion is the Church’s own act and the fulfilment of unity in faith, and it is given to those who are members through baptism and chrismation. This is not a judgment on a partner’s sincerity or holiness. Many parishes offer blessed bread to all visitors at the end of the Liturgy, and a partner who is drawn to the Church can talk to the priest.

Does the Orthodox Church say that other Christians will not be saved?

The Church holds that the fullness of the faith is found in her, but she does not claim to know the fate of any individual and does not teach that those outside are damned. A common Orthodox saying is that we know where the Church is, but not where it is not. The judgment belongs to God.

Do I have to explain everything at once?

No, and you should not try. Answer the question you are asked in a sentence or two, offer to say more, and let your partner set the pace. If you do not know the answer, say so and ask your priest. Honest short answers do more good than confident long ones.

What should a non-Orthodox person do during an Orthodox service?

Stand or sit quietly, follow the people around you, and feel free to sit when tired. Nobody expects a visitor to cross themselves, kiss icons or go to communion. Many parishes offer blessed bread at the end, which visitors may take, and coffee hour afterwards is a good chance to say hello.

Should my partner convert so that we can marry in the Church?

Not for that reason alone. Conversion is a serious step that should be taken from conviction, with a priest’s guidance and a period of instruction, and it should not be a means of settling a relationship. Speak to your priest early about what marrying in the Church requires, since the answer depends on whether your partner is baptised and on the bishop.

What if my partner finds Orthodox practice strange or uncomfortable?

Take it seriously and ask what exactly is difficult, since the answer is often about a particular practice, such as icons or the saints, and not about the Church as a whole. Do not defend or apologise. Listen, answer honestly and give time. If the difference is deep, talk to a priest together, and be honest about whether it is something the relationship can carry.

Sources and further reading

Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.