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In-laws and extended family after an Orthodox wedding: how to leave, cleave and still honour your parents

How Orthodox couples can honour parents and in-laws while building their own household: boundaries, feasts, money, children, godparents and culture.

By Orthodate Editorial15 minute read

Couples preparing for an Orthodox wedding spend months on the service, the flowers and the guest list, and comparatively little time on the question that will shape their first years: how their marriage will relate to the two families that produced it. Yet it is among the most common sources of strain. In Orthodox families, where ties between generations are often strong and where culture, language and religion are intertwined, the questions are sharper. How often do we see your parents? Whose Pascha do we keep? Who gives advice on the children? What do we owe our parents when they grow old? This guide takes the Church’s double teaching seriously, that a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and that children honour their parents all their lives, and shows how the two fit together. It covers the main practical areas, from feasts and money to children and care for elderly parents, offers ways to speak about boundaries without breaking relationships and explains what to do when an in-law relationship goes wrong.

At a glance

Key takeaways

  • The Scriptures that tell a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31) and the commandment to honour father and mother (Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:1-3) are meant to be held together, and Saint John Chrysostom comments on both in his homilies on Ephesians.
  • Healthy relationships with in-laws depend less on distance than on a united couple: spouses who settle their own expectations first, speak with one voice and each take responsibility for communicating with their own parents tend to be able to be both loyal and warm.
  • When a relationship with a parent or in-law becomes harmful, honour does not require submission to abuse or manipulation, and the Church’s pastoral tradition allows for firm boundaries, reduced contact and the help of a priest.

1. Two teachings that belong together

The Book of Genesis says that a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Christ quotes it in answer to a question about marriage (Matthew 19:5), and Saint Paul takes it up in the Epistle to the Ephesians as a description of a great mystery (Ephesians 5:31-32). In the same epistle, a few verses later, children are told to obey their parents in the Lord and to honour their father and mother, “which is the first commandment with promise” (Ephesians 6:1-3, quoting Exodus 20:12).

Saint John Chrysostom treats both passages in his homilies. On the first, he marvels at how strange the arrangement is: a man is asked to leave the one who gave him being, who begot him and brought him up, and the mother who travailed with him and had sorrow, those who have bestowed on him so many benefits, and to be joined to someone he had never seen and who has nothing in common with him, and to honour her before all others. He calls it a great mystery. On the second, he says that Paul begins the path of virtue with honour and reverence towards parents, because they are, after God, the authors of our being.

Neither homily presents the two teachings as rivals. The Church’s tradition has always held that a married person has a new first loyalty and also a continuing debt of respect. The task is to work out what each means in practice.

In short, to leave is to change the order of your loyalties and the centre of your household. To honour is to continue to respect, care for and love your parents, without letting them rule your marriage. You are not abandoning your family. You are taking your place in a new generation of it.

2. What honouring parents really involves

Honour is not the same as obedience, though the two overlap in childhood. An adult child honours his or her parents by respect in speech, by listening seriously to their advice, by visiting and calling, by being grateful for what they have given and, when they cannot manage alone, by caring for them. It does not require doing whatever they want, and it does not include allowing them to direct the household.

Scripture is firm about the care that adult children owe. Saint Paul writes to Timothy that children and grandchildren should first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents, for this is good and acceptable before God (1 Timothy 5:4), and that anyone who does not provide for his own relatives, especially those of his household, has denied the faith (1 Timothy 5:8). In the Gospel, Christ rebukes those who used a religious pretext to avoid supporting their parents (Mark 7:9-13). The Church has never regarded the obligation to older parents as optional.

A married person should therefore expect to carry both loyalties. The practical form of the debt varies with culture, distance and need, and it should be discussed openly between spouses so that neither is surprised by it.

3. Culture changes the picture

In some Orthodox cultures, it is normal for a young couple to live with the husband’s family, or near them, and for parents to be involved in decisions about money, children and household. In others, the ideal is a separate household with limited advice. A couple marrying across cultures, which is common in diaspora parishes, may find that their expectations are quite different, and that neither set is wrong.

Four points help.

  • Name the expectations. What does your family do at the weekend? Who cooks at Pascha? How many times a week do parents phone? Who decides when the children will be baptised? These are the daily facts of family life, and it is only when they are said aloud that they can be negotiated.
  • Distinguish culture from the Church’s teaching. Many customs are beautiful and worth preserving. Others are habit. A couple should be able to say with respect, “That is how your family does it, and we will do something a little different.”
  • Remember that the other family’s way is not a criticism of yours. A different approach to money, hospitality or privacy is usually just that.
  • Plan with language in mind. If one set of parents speaks little English, or little of the language of the other family, think about how to include them: translating, learning key phrases, and making sure they are not left out at the table. The guide to bilingual couples goes into this in detail.

4. The main areas, one at a time

Most friction with in-laws arises in a handful of predictable areas. Thinking about each in advance saves a great deal of difficulty.

  • Feasts and holidays. Orthodox families often have dense festal calendars: Pascha, Christmas, name days, Theophany, the Dormition, the family’s patron saint. If the two families follow different calendars, one family may celebrate Christmas on 25 December and the other on 7 January, and a couple may find themselves keeping two Pascha-seasons’ worth of obligation. Decide together how to share the major feasts, alternate years if necessary and agree which are the non-negotiable ones for each of you. The guide to the Nativity dates explains why the calendars differ.
  • Money and gifts. Parents sometimes give generously, lend money or expect help in return. Clarify what is a gift, what is a loan and what is a mutual obligation, and decide as a couple before accepting. A parent’s financial help can come with strings, which are better recognised early.
  • Where you live. Living near family brings help and company, and it can bring interference. Living far away brings independence and guilt. Neither is better. Consider what each of you needs, what the parents need and how you can maintain contact, and revisit the decision when circumstances change.
  • Children. This is where in-laws often have the strongest views. The questions include names, baptism, godparents, schooling, language, discipline and how much grandparents should be involved. Orthodox grandparents often have a precious role in teaching a child to pray, to cross themselves and to love the Church, and many couples are grateful for it. It works best when the parents set the framework and the grandparents work within it.
  • Advice. Parents often give advice that has not been asked for. A simple, courteous way of receiving it is to thank them, say that you will think about it and then decide together. You are not obliged to follow all of it, and you are not obliged to argue about it either.
  • Privacy. What goes on inside a marriage is not the property of the extended family. Decide what you will and will not share with parents about your finances, arguments, health, fertility and plans, and keep to it.
  • Religious practice. Some in-laws are less observant than the couple, or have a different jurisdictional loyalty, or are not Orthodox. Others are more traditional than the couple would like. Respect their sincerity, and be clear about what you will do in your own home.

5. Being a united couple

The most important protection in any in-law relationship is a couple who are united. When spouses disagree privately and one then argues for the family in public, or when a spouse complains to his or her parents about the other, the marriage is exposed.

Several habits support unity.

Settle things between yourselves first. Before you respond to a parent’s request or complaint, talk privately, agree on an answer and give it together. Where possible, say “we” and not “I”.

Let each spouse handle his or her own parents. It is easier to hear a hard word from your own child than from a daughter-in-law or son-in-law. If a boundary has to be set, the person whose parent it is should usually set it, with the spouse’s support.

Do not complain about your spouse to your parents. They will take your side, remember the complaint longer than you do and may find it hard to forgive what you have forgotten. If you need to talk, talk to your spouse, a priest or a trusted friend.

Do not compare. Remarks such as “My mother never did it that way” or “You are just like your father” rarely help.

Speak well of in-laws. Even when you disagree with them, you can say to your spouse, “I know they love you, and I am grateful for what they have done.” A spouse who feels that his or her family is respected is much easier to talk to when there is a real problem.

Protect time for each other. A marriage needs time without extended family, in which to talk, pray and rest, and a couple who guard it find it easier to be generous with others.

6. How to speak about boundaries

Many people avoid setting boundaries with parents because they fear it will be taken as rejection. It need not be. A boundary stated with warmth and clarity is an act of respect, because it lets a relationship continue without resentment.

Begin with affirmation and gratitude: “We love you and we are grateful for how much you help us.” State the specific thing: “We would like to decide as a couple about when the baby is baptised, and we will tell you as soon as we know.” Offer something positive: “We would love you to come for Sunday lunch after Liturgy, if you would like.” Avoid accusations, and avoid hinting.

Expect some resistance. A parent who has had a certain role for thirty years may find it hard to give it up, and the first response is often hurt. Remain kind and consistent. Repeat the same message calmly. Over months, most relationships adjust.

If a conversation becomes heated, you can pause: “I do not want to argue about this. Let us talk again tomorrow.” A priest or a sponsor can sometimes help as a mediator.

It also helps to remember that parents are frequently adjusting to a loss. A son or daughter who marries leaves a place in the home, and the parent may be afraid of being forgotten. Reassurance, regular contact and an invitation to be involved in appropriate ways often ease the difficulty far more than an argument.

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7. When your parents grow old

A time will come when your parents, or your spouse’s, need help. In some cultures the expectation is that a son or daughter will take them in, in others that care is arranged and funded and the children visit and advocate. Neither is automatically more faithful.

Talk about it early. It is much easier to discuss expectations when no one is ill. Ask what each set of parents hopes for, what is realistic and what you can afford in time, money and energy. Agree as a couple how you will share the responsibility, and consider the sibling who is nearest and the sibling who is far away.

Do not ignore the burden on the household. Caring for a parent is a sacred work and also a heavy one, and a spouse who becomes the principal carer needs support, rest and recognition. Many Orthodox parishes have members who will visit the elderly, bring Holy Communion to the housebound and arrange prayers, and your priest can often help.

Remember the spiritual side. An elderly parent often wants most to be visited, to be prayed with and for, and to know that the family is together. The Church’s sacraments, including confession, Communion and Holy Unction, are a comfort at the end of life, and a child who helps a parent to receive them is honouring them in the fullest way.

8. When the relationship is harmful

Honour is not a licence for harm. Some parents and in-laws are controlling, cruel, manipulative, dishonest or abusive, and a married person is not obliged to submit to them. The Church’s teaching on honour presupposes a basic good faith. It does not ask a person to tolerate violence, sexual abuse or persistent attempts to destroy the marriage.

Signs that a relationship has crossed the line include repeated attempts to turn one spouse against the other, refusal to accept the marriage, threats, demands for money with punishment for refusal, interference with the care of children, verbal or physical abuse and attempts to isolate a spouse from friends and the Church. If you recognise these, treat them as serious.

Sensible steps include speaking to a priest or a counsellor, agreeing as a couple on limits and consequences, reducing or supervising contact, ending a conversation that becomes abusive and, where there is physical danger, protecting those who are at risk first. You can continue to pray for the person, send a card at feast days and remain open to reconciliation if they change, without remaining exposed to harm.

The guides on family opposition and on leaving an abusive relationship give further practical advice. If you fear for your safety or that of your children, contact emergency services or a local domestic violence service without delay.

9. The role of sponsors and the parish

A couple’s wedding sponsors, the koumbaros and koumbara or best man and maid of honour, are intended to be a spiritual support to the marriage as well as a ceremonial presence. In many communities they are expected to be available in difficulty, and a sponsor who is respected by both families can be a helpful voice in a dispute.

The parish is another resource. A priest can counsel a couple about family difficulties, and the community can supply other models of how to live well with in-laws. Couples sometimes find it useful to ask an older married couple in the parish how they managed. Such conversations are often more honest than a book.

Six agreements to make before the wedding, and revisit each year

Engaged couples can have most of these conversations before the wedding, and married couples can have them at any time. Write the answers down, and review them once a year.

  1. Step 1

    How often and where do we see each family?

    Agree a rough pattern for visits, calls and shared meals with each set of parents, including how you will share the feasts of the year. Include what you will do when plans conflict.

  2. Step 2

    What do we share with parents, and what do we keep private?

    Decide your rules about money, health, conflicts and plans for children. Agree that neither of you will share a private matter without the other’s consent.

  3. Step 3

    How will we handle money from, and for, parents?

    Agree what you will accept or give, how to tell a gift from a loan and how you will respond to a request for help. Decide a limit above which you will always consult each other.

  4. Step 4

    Who speaks to whom when there is a problem?

    Agree that each of you will raise difficult matters with your own parents, with the other’s support, and that you will not triangulate through relatives or friends.

  5. Step 5

    How will we raise the children, and what role will grandparents have?

    Discuss baptism, godparents, language, schooling and the faith, and what you would like grandparents to do and not do. Be specific and generous.

  6. Step 6

    What is our plan for ageing parents?

    Talk about what each family expects, what you can offer and how you will decide if help is needed. Include siblings in the conversation when you can.

Common questions

What does “leave father and mother” mean for a married couple?

In the Scriptures, quoted by Christ and by Saint Paul, it means that a man is joined to his wife and the two become one, so that the marriage becomes the primary household and loyalty. It does not mean abandoning or dishonouring one’s parents. Saint John Chrysostom calls the arrangement a great mystery, and the Church has always taught that children continue to honour their parents.

How do I honour my parents without letting them control my marriage?

Honour is respect, gratitude, regular contact and care in need. It does not include obedience in adult decisions. Listen to their advice, thank them, decide with your spouse and keep your household’s decisions between you. Set boundaries kindly and consistently, and remember that a united couple is the best protection.

Whose family should we spend feasts and holidays with?

There is no single rule. Many couples alternate years, split the major feasts between the two families, or invite both families to their own home. Decide together early, take the different calendars into account, and be flexible when a family has a special need. Keep Pascha and Christmas in mind as the most significant.

Is it acceptable to live with in-laws after marriage?

Yes. In many Orthodox cultures it is customary and can be a blessing, particularly while a couple saves money or when parents need care. It works best when expectations are clear, there is private space for the couple, household duties are shared fairly and the arrangement is reviewed. It is also acceptable to choose a separate household.

What should we do if an in-law is abusive or controlling?

Honour does not require submission to abuse. Talk to a priest or counsellor, set clear limits together, reduce or supervise contact and protect anyone who is at risk. You can continue to pray for the person and remain open to reconciliation without exposing yourself or your children to harm. In an emergency, contact the authorities.

What do we owe our parents when they are old?

The Scriptures speak of repaying parents and providing for one’s own household, and the Church has never treated care for elderly parents as optional. The form depends on circumstances: some families care at home, others arrange professional care and visit often. Discuss it early, as a couple and with siblings, and make sure the carer has support.

Sources and further reading

Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.