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Questions to discuss before marriage: a family agreement for Orthodox couples

Over 100 questions for engaged Orthodox couples to discuss before the wedding: trust, roles, money, home, in-laws, children, faith, conflict and divorce.

By Orthodate Editorial18 minute read

The short answer

What should Orthodox couples talk about before they marry?

Talk about the daily life you expect to share. Cover trust, money, home, work, family, children, faith, conflict and what you would do if the marriage were in trouble. The goal is not to agree on everything. The goal is to hear each other, find real conflicts early and show you can work things out with respect.

A good premarital conversation is not a contract to sign. It is a long, honest talk in which each person says what they expect, hears the other, and sees early whether a real difference could become a wall. Use the questions below one topic at a time, answer them alone first, and then compare. Skip what does not apply, and add what does.

At a glance

Key takeaways

  • Use the questions to find real differences early, while changing course is still calm and cheap, rather than after the wedding, when the same discovery is painful.
  • Answer alone first, then compare. Notice where you guessed wrong about each other; those gaps are usually more useful than the answers themselves.
  • If one of you avoids a topic, ask why. Some topics belong with the priest, a counselor or a doctor; this list prepares those conversations and does not replace them.

1. How to use these questions

Pick a calm hour with no phones and no deadline. Take two or three topics at a time instead of working through the whole list in one evening. Each person writes short answers alone, then you read them to each other. A spat is not a failure. Practicing a respectful disagreement now is part of the preparation.

You do not have to follow the order, and you should not treat every question as equally urgent. Some will feel premature, and some will already be settled. That is fine. But if you notice you both want to skip a topic, ask whether it is truly settled or just uncomfortable. If only one of you wants to skip it, that is worth a gentle conversation of its own.

Some questions describe situations you would hope never to face, such as serious illness, job loss or unfaithfulness. They are not a prediction. They are a way to learn how each of you thinks about love, loyalty and duty when things are hard.

2. Trust, honesty and the past

Begin here, because every other answer depends on trust. Honesty does not mean telling every private thought. It means agreeing on what must be shared, such as health, debts, earlier relationships and children, and what belongs in confession or only to God. Spouses can agree on a measure of openness without becoming a surveillance system.

  • How much do I trust you today, and what would make that trust grow or shrink?
  • Can I accept you with your weaknesses and your past, and can you accept mine?
  • If I learned something painful that you had hidden before the engagement, how would I react? What would I need from you?
  • What do I think a spouse must tell the other? What can stay between a person and their confessor?
  • Imagine your life recorded on video, including your thoughts. Would you show all of it to me? Would you want to see all of mine?
  • If love feels weaker for a season, what will we do? What holds a marriage together besides feeling?

3. Expectations of each other (a writing exercise)

Finish each sentence below with five to ten answers, alone and in writing. Then write what you think your partner would answer. Compare your guesses with the real answers and talk about where you missed.

  • What I value most in you is…
  • What often frustrates me about you is…
  • What I want from you is…
  • What I think you value most in me is…
  • What I think frustrates you about me is…
  • What I think you want from me is…

4. Your picture of family and your parents’ marriages

  • What was my parents’ marriage like? What do I want to repeat, and what do I want to avoid?
  • What does a family mean to me? What is the most important thing in it?
  • How much time, energy and attention am I ready to give the family? Who of us feels more driven by the family?
  • Do I want a family with you in particular, or do I just want to be married? What do I bring to you besides affection?
  • What will we do if one of us faces a hard season, such as job loss, a serious illness, disability, prison or a major crisis?

5. Roles, decisions and who has the last word

Orthodox couples sometimes assume that a shared faith settles these questions. It rarely does. Priests, families and cultures describe headship, partnership and service in different ways, and what a husband or wife “should” do varies widely. Ask what each of you expects, and bring the harder questions to your priest.

  • Who will earn the income, run the house and lead the raising of children? Is that settled, shared or open?
  • Who plans the budget and makes large spending decisions? If only one of us earns, does that person decide alone?
  • Who plans free time, handles repairs, chooses schools and makes other everyday calls?
  • Which decisions will we always make together, and which can each of us make alone?
  • When we truly disagree, who has the deciding voice, and how will that person use it?
  • May relatives take part in our decisions? What will we do if they act as though they may?

6. Work, study and ambition

  • How central is my work to who I am? Would I change jobs or cities for the family, or for a better opportunity?
  • If you work long hours or travel a lot, how will I feel? If you do not want a promotion at all, how will I feel?
  • What will we do if one of us loses a job?
  • Do either of us plan more education or a new career? How will we support each other if it strains the family?
  • What if we disagree about how much education or advancement matters?

7. Money

Money conflicts are rarely about numbers. They are about security, freedom, trust and fairness. Share real figures, including income, savings, debts and support you give to relatives, before the wedding rather than after it.

  • Do we earn enough? What do we owe, and what do we own?
  • Will we pool our money or keep it separate? If pooled, can each of us keep some for personal use?
  • Do bonuses and side income go into the family fund?
  • Must one of us ask before buying something for ourselves? Is there a limit above which we decide together?
  • How will we feel if one of us earns more than the other?
  • Will we accept money from parents? What will we do if it comes with strings?
  • How will we change our rules if money becomes tight?
  • What will we give to the parish and to the poor? Who decides?

8. Home, housework and daily rhythm

  • Where will we live, with whom, and on what terms? In whose name will the home or property be held?
  • What do we want our home to look and feel like, and how much money are we willing to spend on it?
  • Which belongings matter so much to me that damaging them would hurt deeply?
  • Who cooks, shops, cleans, does the laundry and handles repairs? What does “clean enough” mean to each of us?
  • How should we respond when someone does not do what they agreed to?
  • Do we want to eat meals together? How do we handle different tastes, diets and fasting rules?
  • Are we early risers or night owls? How will we handle different sleep rhythms?
  • How do we care for ourselves: health, grooming, clothing, exercise? How do we respond if one of us stops caring?
  • How do we each behave when we are sick? What do we expect from the other if the illness is long?

9. Intimacy and physical life

These questions are easiest to ask in a private, calm setting and with a clear boundary: engaged couples should also follow the guidance of their Church and priest about physical affection before the wedding. Many couples find it helpful to read separately and then talk, or to bring parts of the list to a priest or counselor.

  • Can we talk openly about this subject? What do we each know, and where would we like to learn more?
  • What do we each expect from physical closeness in marriage, and what do we find difficult?
  • What does each of us believe about purity before marriage, and what do we each expect of the other?
  • How will we talk about contraception, fertility and periods of abstinence, and what will we ask our priest?
  • If married life is not satisfying, are we willing to talk and seek help from a doctor, counselor or priest?
  • How will we protect our marriage from pornography and other things that damage trust?

10. Personal freedom, privacy and friends

  • May each of us have a life apart from the other? What limits are reasonable?
  • How much time apart is healthy, and how much is too much? Can we take separate vacations or attend events alone?
  • Do we expect to know where the other is, or to report in during the day?
  • May a spouse read the other’s messages, phone or email? Do we share passwords? What is trust, and what is control?
  • Do we have shared friends or separate ones? What if I dislike one of yours?
  • Can friends stay overnight? How do we feel about contact with former partners?
  • What counts as flirting or crossing a line? What do we do if someone mentions something concerning?

11. Parents, in-laws and extended family

  • How do I get along with my relatives, and with yours? What would I like to change?
  • How often will we visit or host them? Will we always go together? How long will they stay?
  • May parents come on vacations with us?
  • What if a relative interferes in our marriage? Who speaks to them, and how will we respond if one of us fails to?
  • If parents criticize your spouse to you, what will you say?
  • If you were pushed to choose, “me or them,” how would you answer?
  • What will we share with our parents about our marriage, and what stays private?
  • How will we care for aging parents? Will each of us care for our own, or will we do so together? What if someone needs daily care?

12. Children and family planning

Few topics carry more weight, and few are more likely to hide an assumption. Some couples discuss “children” without ever naming a number, a timeline or a plan for when things do not go as expected. Bring specific questions and write down what you hear.

  • Do we want children? How many, and when? Does the sex of a child matter to either of us?
  • Who will choose names? Will we baptize our children, and at what age? Who will be the godparents?
  • How will we raise them in the faith, and who will lead that?
  • What are our principles for discipline and praise? How will we resolve disagreements in front of the children?
  • What will we do if we cannot have children, or if a pregnancy comes at a hard time? What do each of us think about fertility treatment, adoption and abortion?
  • Who will handle night feedings, diapers, doctor visits and school pickups? Who will stay home, and can it be the father?
  • What role will grandparents have in raising the children? Who will watch them?
  • What will we decide about preschool, school, activities, tutors, screens, phones and money for children?
  • If one of us has children from a previous relationship, what role will the other have? How will we share time, money and decisions?

13. Faith, church life and shared values

The Church expects those who marry in it to share the Christian faith. Within that, couples can still differ widely on how often they attend services, how they fast, which confessor they trust and how they speak about faith at home. Ask specifically what each person means by “practicing” and what each wants the home to look like.

  • How central is the Church in my life? How do I pray, fast and go to confession?
  • If one of us is more devout than the other, how will we respect each other?
  • Will we attend services together or separately? Will we share a spiritual father or each have our own?
  • How much weight does my confessor’s advice carry for me? What if he advises something you disagree with?
  • How will we handle behavior we think is wrong? Will we push our views or respect each other’s conscience?
  • What are my top values (honesty, family, career, comfort, generosity, faith)? Which would hurt me most to see ignored?
  • How much do our values need to match? Where can we differ?
  • How do we each feel about superstition, horoscopes, alternative spirituality and similar practices?
  • What are our tastes in books, films, music and art? Does one of us dislike something the other loves?

14. Free time, hobbies, pets and habits

  • How much free time do I have, and how do I like to spend it? How do we protect time together?
  • What hobbies take much of my time or money? What if they conflict with family needs?
  • Do you have to share my interests? How would I feel if you did not?
  • Do we prefer going out or staying in? Travel or home? Does one of us expect the other to join?
  • How much do we use screens, games and social media? What do we do if it causes problems?
  • Who chooses what we watch together?
  • Do we want pets? Who will care for them? What if one of us strongly disagrees?
  • If one of us has a garden, dacha, cabin or similar project, how much money and labor will it take? Who does the work?
  • Do we have habits such as smoking, drinking, gambling or other dependencies? What do we expect of each other?
  • Which annoying habits do we each have, and how will we raise them kindly?

15. Faithfulness, jealousy and temptation

  • Am I jealous? How do I feel when you are jealous?
  • How will I feel if you work mostly with people of the other sex? Can either of us have close friends of the other sex?
  • What physical contact with others is acceptable, such as hugs, dances or kisses on the cheek? Does it change when the spouse is present?
  • What do I count as unfaithfulness? Can a cold or conflicted marriage ever excuse it?
  • What would I do if I doubted your faithfulness? Would I want to know about a one-time lapse? Could I forgive it, and what would I need?
  • If I became attracted to someone else, what would I do? Would I tell you? Would I want you to tell me?
  • Is checking each other’s phones acceptable, openly or secretly?

16. Respect, safety and warning signs

This is the one section that should not be treated as a negotiable preference. Insults, humiliation, threats, controlling behavior and any physical violence are not “communication style” differences. If either of you feels afraid, or is being controlled or hurt, talk privately with a trusted priest, counselor or advocate before going further, and consider your safety first.

  • How do we speak to each other and about each other when we are angry? Is swearing or contempt ever acceptable?
  • What would I do if you were verbally or physically abusive to me, or to children?
  • Do I feel free to say no, to disagree and to change my mind around you?
  • How do we each handle alcohol, anger and stress?
  • Who are the trusted people we can go to if something is wrong?
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17. Everyday courtesy and affection

  • How affectionate do we want to be, privately and in public?
  • Which signs of love matter most to each of us? Gifts, time, words, help? Do we like surprises?
  • Do anniversaries and birthdays matter? What happens if one is forgotten?
  • What small courtesies do we each expect, such as holding a door, thanking the cook or calling when late? What if they are skipped?
  • Will we stand up for each other in front of relatives and others?
  • Who invites guests, and how often? How tidy should the house be for visitors?

18. How we fight, apologize and get help

Every couple will argue. What matters is whether you can disagree without contempt. Many couples find it helpful to agree on a few ground rules in advance, because it is much harder to set them when angry.

  • What do I dislike in the way you act in an argument? What do you dislike in me?
  • Is raising a voice, name-calling, bringing up parents, damaging belongings or involving friends and relatives acceptable? What if “you started it”?
  • How important is it that you admit I was right?
  • How long can we go without speaking? Who usually goes first to make peace? How do we accept an apology?
  • Can we pause a heated discussion and agree to return to it at a fixed time?
  • If a problem is too big for us, who do we ask for help: a priest, a counselor, a trusted couple, a doctor? Together or separately? How much do we tell relatives?
  • What do we do when one of us breaks an agreement, forgets something or lies?

19. House rules to react to

Couples often live by short sayings without ever saying them out loud. Read the examples below and mark which ones you would adopt, change or reject. They are conversation starters, not rules to adopt wholesale.

  • “Our marriage matters more than any object or sum of money.”
  • “We love each other; we do not try to fix each other.”
  • “We will listen to advice, then decide for ourselves.”
  • “What is allowed for one is allowed for both.”
  • “If you need help, ask. If you did not ask, do not be hurt that no one helped.”
  • “We will not give each other the silent treatment for more than a couple of hours.”
  • “If you are angry, say so, and do not simply go quiet.”
  • “Whoever deliberately keeps a fight going is more to blame than whoever started it.”
  • “We can argue, but we never hurt each other, even with words.”
  • “Hard topics are discussed when we are calm and sober, and in private.”
  • “In our home we would rather be at peace than be right.”

20. The wedding, the paperwork and the “what if” questions

Asking about separation is not a sign of pessimism. A couple that has thought honestly about the worst case is often better prepared to avoid it. The Orthodox Church takes marriage seriously and treats divorce as a pastoral matter, so these conversations also belong with your priest.

  • What kind of wedding do we want, who will be invited and who will pay for it? Do we want a trip afterwards?
  • Will one of us change a surname?
  • Will we both wear rings? How would I feel if you chose not to?
  • Do we see divorce as possible in any situation? What would we want to do first?
  • If a marriage ended, how should property, housing and children be handled? Would we want to avoid court? Would we want to stay in contact with children? How would we speak about each other to them?
  • How important are anniversaries, and how will we mark them?

21. After the conversation: review and renew

  • Did I understand your view? Did we agree? On everything, or only some things? Is it permanent?
  • Will we reopen a topic if circumstances change or we realize we were wrong?
  • How did I feel during the talk about the topics and about you? Did anything worry, annoy or please me? Is there something we were afraid to discuss?
  • Do I feel resentment or gratitude toward you after this?
  • How long do these agreements last? Who calls for the next review, and when?

A four-evening plan

You do not need to cover every question. Choose the topics that matter most to you, spread them over a few evenings, and keep notes you can both read.

  1. Step 1

    Evening one: trust, family vision and expectations

    Work through sections 2 to 4. Do the “finish the sentence” exercise alone first, then trade papers. Write down three things that surprised you about the other person’s answers.

  2. Step 2

    Evening two: money, work and home

    Cover roles, work, money and housework. Bring real numbers. End by naming one concrete decision you made and one you need more time on.

  3. Step 3

    Evening three: family, children and faith

    Discuss in-laws, children and church life. Mark any question where one of you feels strongly and the other has not thought about it, and decide who to ask: a priest, a counselor or a trusted married couple.

  4. Step 4

    Evening four: conflict and review

    Talk about how you disagree, how you apologize and how you will get help. Write down your own house rules, note what you want to revisit, and set a date for the next conversation, for example three months after the wedding.

Common questions

What questions should we ask before getting married?

Ask about trust and honesty, money, work, housework, intimacy, in-laws, children, faith, friendships, faithfulness, conflict and what you would do if the marriage were in trouble. Choose the topics that matter most, answer alone first, and then compare.

Do we have to agree on every question?

No. The point is to understand each other, discover real conflicts and practice compromise. On most topics, willingness to listen and flex is worth more than identical opinions. Persistent disagreement on a core question is worth bringing to a priest or counselor.

What if my fiancé(e) does not want to talk about these topics?

Ask kindly why. The subject may feel premature, uncomfortable or already settled. But avoidance, especially if you feel an issue is important, is worth noticing. Start with one or two questions rather than the whole list, and consider doing the exercise with a priest or counselor.

Is this a replacement for premarital counseling?

No. It is preparation for it. Your priest will explain what the Church requires for a marriage in your jurisdiction, and a counselor can help with deeper patterns. Bring your notes to those meetings.

Should we discuss divorce before marriage?

Talking about the worst case is not a lack of faith. It can help you understand each other’s views on commitment, forgiveness and responsibility. The Orthodox Church treats marriage as lifelong and divorce as a pastoral matter, so these conversations also belong with your priest.

What if our answers reveal a serious problem?

Do not ignore it or force a quick fix. Slow down, talk to your priest or a counselor, and give yourselves time. If you feel unsafe, controlled or afraid, seek private, trusted help first. Postponing a wedding is a hard decision, but it is often better than entering marriage with an unresolved fear.

Sources and further reading

Pastoral practice can vary by diocese and jurisdiction. For questions about your circumstances, speak with the priest responsible for your pastoral care.